Monkey Business
by Apple Annie
Summary: SwanQueen fic. As Emma and Regina partner secretly behind the scenes to rid Storybrooke of its new curse, the town has a secret plot of it's own. Inspired by a review by Lily Sparks. Light sex, pure fluff, borderline cracked, very gay in every way! This is meant to be fun, not the least bit serious. Started as a one shot... no idea where it's going! All disclaimers apply.
1. Chapter 1

Regina Mills was in a familiar circumstance: a Town Hall meeting with everyone accusing her of something and yelling at her. Even though she had planned this with Emma ahead of time, it felt disconcerting, nonetheless. That loudmouth Leroy was popping-off, as was Granny, even Belle and Ruby were chiming in with hurtful comments. _Ingrates!_ She had given up everything to send them back to where they belonged. _Okay, so she had to put on a show of power… but what?_ Earthquake! _That will shake 'em up but good._ As she disappeared into a cloud of purple smoke, she knew Emma would follow her out.

As Emma ran after Regina, the crowd turned to Mary Margaret.

"How was that, Honey?" Granny queried.

"That was great, you guys!" Mary Margaret affirmed.

"Are you sure about this?" Belle asked. "Are you sure Regina has changed?"

"Yeah," Leroy added, his eyes wide. "That earthquake was pretty scary!"

"I'm sure. Regina has changed. We wouldn't have made it out of Neverland without her and she sacrificed everything yesterday, or… um last year… whenever, for the happiness of others."

"But this business of Regina and Emma being together to save us," Dr. Whale intoned. "I don't see it!"

"What have _you_ been looking at?" Ruby smirked. "Those two have been hot for each other since Day One."

"Aah, love-hate," Belle sighed, wistfully. "I know it well."

"No need to go there, I think," David intoned in a fatherly manner.

"None indeed," Archie agreed. "But, psychologically, it is a valid concept. A love-hate relationship has been linked to the occurrence of emotional ambivalence in early childhood and to conflicting responses by different ego states within the same person."

"Wikipedia again, Doc?" Belle questioned.

"Well, yes, if you must know," Archie stammered as he pushed his glasses back up onto his nose. "But, a love-hate relationship is wild, thrilling and full of passion. It is also stressful and heart wrenching."

"Wait a minute," Belle interrupted. "I think I read this on the inter…"

"For every exhilarating rush of love, there are moments of rage and anger," Archie continued quickly.

"I'm down with that," Ruby grinned.

"Please," David protested. "This is my daughter we're discussing here!"

"I'm just sayin'," Ruby shrugged.

Mary Margaret attempted to restore order.

"My plan was to combine Regina and Emma. Since the loss of Gold," she glanced at Belle as the young woman sank back into her chair.

"Sorry, sweetie," she whispered in her direction.

"But, Regina and Emma are the only two left with magic in our town. They are our best shot at getting to the bottom of this new curse."

"But how did you know this would work?" Granny asked. "That Emma would run out after Regina?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "Granny… please."

"I just had a feeling, after everything that happened in Neverland and after Regina's sacrifice, that if she was attacked, my daughter would defend her!"

"She didn't exactly defend her, sweetheart," Granny interjected. "She threatened her!"

"Maybe it's their way," Belle sighed.

Mary Margaret nodded.

"Okay then," Leroy grumbled. "Good enough for me. Let's go get a drink."

As the rabble filed out, David turned to Mary Margaret.

"How _did_ you know that Emma would follow her?"

"Ever since she showed up, she's been glancing over at the mayor's office. I knew she wanted to see Regina; she just didn't want to say it. And then, when she saw her at Granny's, she immediately went to her. David," she eyed him earnestly, "she cares about her. We have to respect that."

"But, you don't believe what Ruby and Belle and Archie were implying, do you?" David protested.

"Listen," Mary Margaret deadpanned, "I'll take Regina over a flying monkey every time."

/

Regina rested her head against the bedroom window. Rain was beginning to fall. The glass felt cold against her forehead as tears trickled down her cheeks. Emma had run off to plant the seed of a "con" with that blowhard, Leroy. She felt immensely disappointed that her attempts at reproducing the memory potion had failed. She missed Henry. He didn't know her anymore. She had woken up in the morning with an aching in her gut. Her sacrifice had not only cost her son, but someone else… the one person she could relate to in Storybrooke. When Emma showed up with Henry, and she saw them…

She was shaken from her reverie by the sight of Emma running up her front walk. She stopped and glanced up at Regina. With a huge smile, she gave her a thumbs up. Regina wiped away her tears as she could not help but smile back. She raced down the stairs to meet her.

"Worked like a charm," was Emma's cheery greeting as Regina opened the door.

"As I suspected it would," Regina smiled.

Emma hesitated. Something was wrong.

"You've been crying."

"Don't be ridiculous," Regina feigned as she turned her back and began walking quickly up the stairs.

"Stop right there, lady," Emma commanded.

Regina reflexively did as Emma had ordered. She stood motionless upon the staircase, her back to the other woman.

"I always know when you're lying, remember?"

"Just let it go, Emma."

"No!" She bounded up the stairs after Regina until she stood by her side. "You tell me what's going on!"

Regina glanced at her with tear filled eyes. Emma felt her heart swell with sympathy. She placed her hand on the small of Regina's back.

"What is it?" she spoke softly. "Is it Henry?"

Regina sat down slowly upon the stairs.

"It's more than that." She was barely audible. "It's everything."

Emma stood over her, feeling suddenly nervous and vulnerable, herself.

"What do you mean?"

"I've done nothing but curse myself. I have no one."

"Aaw, don't say that."

Regina peered up at her. "Why? Isn't it true?"

Emma rolled her eyes. She couldn't believe she was going to say what she was about to say. _Damn, it's been a year, I'm barely back for 24 hours and already I'm falling for this… for her… again!_

"You have me, Regina," she stated flatly as she proffered her hand for the other woman to take.

Regina slid her hand into Emma's as she rose from the stairs.

"Let's go splash some water on your face," the blonde smiled pleasantly.

Regina nodded.

/

Emma looked around while Regina was in the bathroom. She couldn't help but notice the pictures of Henry. _This is so sad._ She picked up a photo of Henry from the nightstand. He couldn't have been more than three. A sweet smile crossed her face.

"Put that down!" came Regina's commanding voice.

"Oh," Emma sputtered as she replaced the photo. "I'm sorry. I just never knew him at this age."

"But, for a year, you had the memory," Regina stated as she carefully repositioned the picture frame. "Do you still?"

"It's kinda' weird. I mean yeah, but I know it's not real, so it's getting hazier."

"Sorry about that."

"It's not your fault, Regina. I know that. You tried to give us a good life."

"Tell me about that."

"About what?"

"Your life in New York City."

"Wouldn't you rather hear about Henry?"

Regina visibly shrank.

"No. It's too painful."

"Of course. Maybe later? We're going to have to face it at some point."

"But not now. I'm not ready. Tell me about your life in New York. Were you happy?"

"Yeah, I was, or at least I thought I was. There was this guy."

"Do tell," Regina's eyebrow lifted.

"Yeah. We were getting serious until I found out…" Emma's voice trailed off.

"Until you found out what?"

"Nothing, really. It just didn't work out, is all."

"I always know when you're hiding something."

Emma smiled ironically. "Touché."

"So out with it. Until you found out what?"

"Alright then," Emma blushed as she sighed. "Until I found out that he was a flying monkey."

"A flying what?!" was Regina's incredulous response.

"A flying monkey," Emma's voice trailed off as she added, "I'm pretty sure you heard me the first time."

Regina burst into laughter.

Emma became angry. "It's not funny, Regina," she shouted.

"Excuse me," Regina continued to laugh. "No, it's not funny." She gathered herself for a moment before breaking out into laughter once again. "It's hysterical! I mean, I've had my share of bad relationships, but a flying monkey?"

"That's it!" Emma declared emphatically. She glanced quickly around the room until she spotted a small comb on the dresser. She grabbed it and hurled it at Regina, who ducked.

"Nice try, what else you got, Swan?"

"This!" Emma shouted as she grabbed a brush and held it threateningly. "Now I've got a brush! Oh yeah, you're in trouble now!"

"You mean that?" Regina parried as she flicked her wrist and the brush turned into a banana. "That's more to your taste, I think."

"Not funny, Regina!"

"No," Regina began laughing again. "You're right. It's still hysterical!"

Emma threw the banana at Regina who caught it with one hand. She peeled it slowly and placed it in her mouth seductively as she took a bite.

"See anything you like?" Regina purred. "Getting turned on?"

"You'll be sorry you did that!" Emma growled angrily.

"Oh, I'm so afraid of your Super Power," Regina smiled sarcastically. "Let me bow before you!"

Emma concentrated hard, conjuring all the magic Regina had taught her. A fly swatter appeared in her hands. Regina's eyebrow peaked.

"Seriously?" she smiled.

"Seriously, bitch!," came Emma's fuming retort. "I was going for a riding crop, but this will do!"

Regina laughed out loud and flicked her wrist again in an attempt to neutralize Emma's new weapon. Nothing.

"Maybe your magic can't undo mine anymore," Emma smirked. She snapped the fly swatter in the air.

"Now wait a minute, Emma. I was just joking," Regina blurted, still trying not to laugh.

"I'm not," came the reply.

Regina turned to run, but was caught square on the behind by a smack form Emma's weapon.

"Ow," she howled as she turned to face Emma. "That's not funny! That's going to leave a mark!"

"I hope so! What are you going to do about it?!"

"This," Regina's eyes narrowed as a mace appeared in her hand.

"A mace? Over-the-top, much?" Emma laughed. "Really, Regina? How medieval of you. Old school all the way, huh?"

Regina looked at the weapon in her hands. She appeared perplexed. "How is this old school? It was all the rage in the Enchanted Forest."

She dropped her hand with the weapon still in it. She looked crestfallen as she peered up at Emma beneath wet lashes.

"You think I'm old school?"

Emma was taken aback. She dropped the fly swatter and crossed the space between them.

"No, Regina. But you we're going to try and hit me with that thing?"

Regina pouted.

"You know you can't cross me… my evilness and all that. Now you've gone and ruined my good time."

"A good time at my expense!"

"I'm sorry. I thought we were having such fun. Now you think I'm old school."

Emma took both of Regina's hands in her own as she laid her forehead upon the other woman's.

"Let's just be clear about something, you may be the weirdest, most twisted person I have ever known, but I also think you're amazing."

"Really?" Regina sulked. "Not old school?"

"Strong, sad, powerful, and vulnerable all at once," Emma smiled. "A modern woman in every way!"

"Really?" Regina repeated.

"You know I can't lie to you."

"Right," Regina finally smiled. "But you also think I'm a bitch."

"Let me clarify." Emma slid her hand over Regina's rear end where she had smacked her as she gently brushed her lips. "I think you're my bitch."

Regina responded passionately as she pressed her lips against Emma's. Suddenly clothes were being ripped asunder as they fell upon the bed.

"Regina," Emma gasped desperately. "I don't have a lot of extra clothes on this trip."

"Oh, sorry."

Regina did her magic wrist flick and both were suddenly naked.

"Oh God," Emma moaned as she gazed at Regina's body. "I have imagined this so many times since I got my memory back!"

Regina eyed every inch of her as her fingers began to trace the contours of her breasts, her stomach, down to the space between her legs.

"Is it as you imagined?" she questioned as she took a nipple into her mouth.

"Magical," came Emma's husky reply.

Regina wrapped her in a sensuous embrace. Mad, passionate lovemaking ensued… the kind of lovemaking engendered by pent-up desire. Finally satiated, Emma lay with her head upon Regina's chest.

"How was that for you?" Regina panted as she laid a kiss upon her golden hair.

"It's good to be back," Emma sighed. "God, I've missed this."

"Apparently not, I mean, how would you know?" Regina pondered.

"Don't start, Regina."

"Don't start what? You're the one who fucked a winged simian in my absence." She pursed her lips so as not to begin laughing again.

Emma pinned both of Regina's arms over her head onto the pillow as she straddled her naked body.

"You're the one who wiped my memory and sent me to New York with a new life."

"It was for your own good. I wanted to broaden your horizons, expose you to new and different experiences. Best thing for you, really."

"Knock it off, Regina. I'm warning you!"

"Or what, you'll conjure up another fly swatter?"

"It'll hurt a lot more on bare flesh!"

Regina pondered this for a moment, contemplating the suggestion.

"Might be fun," she finally smiled coyly. "But nothing compared to monkey sex, I'm sure. Did he wear his little hat, Em? I mean in the movie, they wore little hats, kinda' like bellboy hats, if I recall."

Emma was becoming agitated again.

"As a matter of fact, he did," she smiled down sarcastically. "I happen to like little bellhop caps." She took Regina's lower lip between her own and then bit down softly, "bellhop caps turn me on."

"Bitch!" Regina pushed her off and rolled her over so that she was on top. "You did like it, didn't you."

"Get over it already."

"Not until you say it."

"Say what?"

Regina pressed her shoulders down as she writhed on top of her. "Say it!"

"Geez, you're so neurotic," Emma moaned.

"Say it!" Regina pulsated against her harder, faster. "Before I hurt you!"

"Alright then," Emma relented with halting breath. "You are WAY better than monkey-sex."

Regina rolled over onto her side and gathered Emma in an embrace. They kissed momentarily before they both began to laugh.

"Thanks," Regina whispered sincerely.

"For what? This new habit of thanking me is throwing me off my game."

"For giving me these moments of pleasure. For giving me respite from…"

Emma placed two fingers upon her lips.

"You don't have to finish. I know what's on your mind. We'll figure it out, Regina… together. I promise."

Regina rested her head on Emma's shoulder.

"So, keep this on the down-low, like before?" Emma queried.

"Distant and cold to each other in public, as usual. None of the dimwits in this town will ever suspect," Regina replied.

"Okay," Emma sighed in an irritated manner. "Some of those folks you're referring to as dimwits are my family. But… agreed."

"You know, I think I've got a little bellhop hat in my closet, if you want to go again," Regina smiled as she traced Emma's lips.

"You don't need a little hat, Babe. I'll take you over a flying monkey every time."


	2. Chapter 2

Emma sat by the riverside. She had gotten up before dawn to come down here and meet with Regina away from prying eyes. The sun was rising, but it was still cold. She practiced her magic as she attempted to start a small fire. _Use your anger._ She flicked her wrist. Nothing. _Okay what's really pissing me off?_ She thought of Walsh. _That should do it!_ A tiny flicker of sparks lit up before her. _What the fuck? I've got no more anger than that towards that… thing? Geez, I almost married a flying monkey! Don't go there, don't go there…_

Emma breathed in deep before she exhaled calmly. _Regina sure had fun at my expense yesterday: conjuring up a banana and making jokes about bellhop caps. Hell, she was the one who put me in New York City. She had the nerve to say it was to broaden my horizons, expose me to new and different experiences. Fuck her._ Emma flicked her wrist again.

A huge burst of flames ignited before her. The ground was on fire, which reached to the trees and started burning the branches.

"Oh shit!" she exclaimed.

She quickly grabbed the blanket upon which she had been sitting and hurled it at the flames, trying to extinguish them. Suddenly, a vortex of purple smoke descended upon the scene. The fire was sucked up into it immediately… and disappeared.

"Hey," Regina offered.

"Hey," Emma replied.

"God," Regina protested. "I hate being up this early. Just not a morning person."

"So you did that? You put the fire out?" Emma exclaimed.

"Duh," Regina yawned as she sat down. "What was that all about, anyway?"

"Oh, um… nothing," Emma replied sheepishly as she plopped down beside her.

"Give me that blanket you were waving at the flames," Regina demanded.

Emma turned the blanket over to her. Regina wrapped it up into a pillow and laid her head upon it, closing her eyes.

"You weren't trying magic without me, were you?" she yawned again.

"Well, yeah. Maybe a little," Emma responded.

"Told you not to," Regina's voice drifted away as she seemed to be falling into sleep.

Emma waited. Regina's eyes were closed as she breathed quietly. Emma waited. Regina began to snore softly.

"Regina," Emma nudged her. Nothing.

"Regina!" Emma shouted. Nothing.

_All right then. You asked for it._

Emma cupped her hands at the edge of the river to gather water. She splashed it upon the other woman's face.

"Buckets of water! Buckets of water! Only way to melt a…" Regina suddenly came to.

"What are you doing?" she queried in an irritated voice.

"Waking you up, hello!"

"I'm no good without my coffee: wine at night, coffee in the morning. Couldn't get coffee this morning."

"Why not?" Emma asked. "Granny's is open before dawn."

"Yeah, but then they would know I was up to something. I never go in there before ten… we're on the DL, remember?"

"Awake now?" Emma peered at her anxiously.

"Yes. Let's get started."

Regina stood up and took Emma's hand.

"Walk with me."

"Okay," Emma offered cautiously. "But let's make sure we don't cross the town line or…"

"Or what," Regina smiled. "I might turn into a flying monkey?"

Emma cringed, as she knew what was coming.

"Thought you might like that," Regina continued. "Memories of past loves. Wild monkey sex. I mean, you almost married one, right?!"

"Maybe this is a mistake," Emma said as she dropped Regina's hand.

"What?" Regina asked innocently.

"Having you teach me magic," Emma responded. "Maybe it's a mistake."

"It's not," Regina replied sincerely as she took her hand again. "I'm sorry. Walk with me."

The sun made its way delicately through the tree branches as they continued for some time, hand in hand, along the riverbank.

"It's beautiful," Regina broke the silence.

"It is," Emma agreed. She stopped walking and stood before her. "But, what's this got to do with magic?"

"Look around you, Emma," Regina smiled.

Emma gazed at the early morning sunlight as it fell upon the bare tree branches, turning gray into gold. She glanced at the river and noticed diamond-like sparkles as the current caught the light. She looked up to the sky, as clouds ignited in red and orange, reflecting the rising sun.

"Wow. It _is_ magic," she smiled.

Regina gazed at her face, beautiful and radiant in the morning light. _All the magic I'll ever need._

"Teach me more, Regina," Emma beamed.

"Look at the river," Regina instructed. "Feel the currents."

"_Feel_ the currents?" Emma scratched her head.

"You must become one with the power of the water."

Regina raised her hand and passed it over the water. A whirlpool emerged and then receded.

"You did that?" Emma asked excitedly.

"Yes, and so can you. Let yourself feel the power of the morning. Let yourself go."

Emma closed her eyes and listened to the water. She reached out her hand and passed it over the river. The water began to rise.

"That's good, Emma," Regina coached. "Now let go."

"Um… what?" Emma asked as she opened her eyes and stared at her.

"Let go," Regina reiterated.

"Of what?"

"Of that!" Regina was suddenly alarmed.

Emma glanced to where her hand was still extended. A huge waterspout was about to descend upon them.

"Oh," she said as she dropped her hand and jumped back. Regina was drenched from head to toe as the water cascaded upon her. "That."

Regina looked livid.

"Um… sorry?" Emma proffered in a meek voice.

"Sorry?!" Regina fumed.

"Well, you can just cast a dry-off spell or something, can't you?"

Regina used her hands to vigorously shake water out of her hair.

"As a matter of fact," she eyed Emma, "there is no dry-off spell."

"Aw, c'mon," Emma continued. "There has to be! I mean, there's a make-clothes-magically-disappear spell but no dry-off spell? Why?"

"Why? Because no one expects to be nearly drowned by a wayward waterspout! This is what I get for trying to teach a complete waste-of-talent like you!"

A minnow suddenly came flying out of her hair and lay flopping upon the ground.

"That is SO disgusting!" Regina screamed.

"It's just a little fish," Emma commented as she gently picked it up and placed it back into the river.

"Oh no," Regina smirked sarcastically. "Wouldn't want the minnow to be lost."

"A pop-culture reference?" Emma feigned shock. "Regina, did you just crack a joke?"

"Where's that blanket?" Regina ignored her question.

"Oh, here," Emma said as she wrapped the blanket around her and started drying her off. "You _are_ a mess!"

"Oh yeah," Regina lifted an eyebrow ominously. "Well, I wouldn't want to be the only one!"

Emma realized she was standing at the water's edge.

"Oh no, Regina. No you don't!"

She put up her hands towards the other woman in a defensive manner, but it was too late. Regina shoved her hard as she fell backwards into the river. Emma stood up shivering with a scowl on her face.

"What did you do that for?"

"Just wanted to make you wet," Regina replied haughtily.

"And you thought shoving me into the river was the best way to achieve that?"

Regina tilted her head slightly and pursed her lips as she gave a quick shrug.

Emma trudged out of the water menacingly. She walked right up to Regina until she was mere inches from her face.

"You are so wrong in so many ways," she shook her head. "I don't know why I bother with you."

Regina placed her hands on either side of her head and kissed her.

"Well, there's that," Emma relented.

Both women smiled. Regina extended the blanket around her as they sat down upon the ground.

"It's a long walk back," Regina sighed. "However will we warm up?"

"I could light a fire!" Emma blurted, reflexively, then quickly shook her head. "No, wait… check that."

Regina rolled her eyes. "_I'll_ light a fire. Go gather some wood."

Emma proceeded to do as instructed, when suddenly a thought occurred to her.

"Hey, who elected _you_ the girl in this relationship?"

Regina extended both hands displaying impeccably manicured fingertips.

"Right," Emma shook her head. "Wouldn't want to break a nail," she muttered under her breath.

Emma stacked the wood in front of them as Regina effortlessly ignited it.

"That's kind of a big flame" Emma critiqued. "Aren't you afraid you'll burn the tree." She pointed at branches hanging low over them.

"_My_ fires are completely under control," Regina offered in a superior tone of voice. "Now take your clothes off and hang them over the branches to dry."

"What? No way! That won't work!"

Regina flicked her wrist and Emma was suddenly stark naked as both their clothes were neatly hung over the branches.

"What the fuck?" Emma glanced around quickly before scurrying under the blanket with an equally naked Regina.

"As I was saying, however will we warm up?"

"Cold, wet, and naked, huddled together under a blanket… I think I may have an idea," Emma smirked as she rolled Regina over onto her back and kissed her.

"Finally," the other woman sighed. "I was beginning to think my hints were too subtle."

Emma kissed her again to silence her as she ran her hands over her breasts. She laid a trial of kisses up and down her body, stopping to nibble on each nipple, before she buried her head between her legs. Regina arched up to meet the sensual assault on her nether regions. As the sound of the river flowed by them on a bracing note, two lovers writhed to its rhythmic song.

/

"Warm enough?" Regina queried.

"Smokin' hot, as usual, Babe," came Emma's reply as she held Regina in a tight embrace.

"I guess we should be heading back now."

"Okay," Emma agreed. "Just dry our clothes first. I don't want to put on damp things now that I'm all warmed up."

Regina looked at her quizzically.

"Emma, I already told you I couldn't do that."

"You were serious? That wasn't just a ploy to get me naked?"

Regina gazed at her dumbfounded.

"You honestly think I know how to dry clothes? I have a woman who does that for me!"

"Geezus, Regina. That's so fucked-up."

"Not really. Good help is hard to find these days and my cleaning lady's a keeper!"

"Not that!"

"What then?"

"That we have to put on damp clothes. I hate that!"

Regina pondered for a moment.

"That _is_ problematic. Why don't we just put on our shoes, wrap the blanket around us and carry our clothes back to our cars. It's so early. There's no one out here to see us. What could go wrong?"

/

David set up a folding chair for Mary Margaret near the edge of the river.

"You are so gallant, sir," she smiled as he eased her into the chair.

"Anything for my beautiful wife," he said as he kissed her forehead and wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. "I swear… you become more lovely each day. Pregnancy becomes you."

"I'm so glad we can come down here to enjoy nature with our unborn child," she sighed.

"Are you warm enough, Darling?" he queried.

"Perfect. Look how beautiful everything is in the morning light!"

"It is lovely," he sighed as he sat down beside her.

"Okay," Mary Margaret said as she ran her fingers threw his hair. "Something's bothering you. Out with it!"

"You know me so well," David smiled up at her. "It's just this partnering our daughter with Regina thing. I'm not sure I like it."

"Why?"

"I know that they give us our best chance at figuring out this new curse, but," he shook his head. "I don't know. Regina could be a very bad influence on Emma."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mary Margaret offered.

/

Emma and Regina were making their way along the path towards the parking lot, clothes in hand, beneath a shared blanket when, suddenly, they heard voices.

"Shit," Emma hissed. "There are people over there. I don't want to run into anyone."

"We _do_ look oddly conspicuous," Regina agreed.

Emma surveyed their surroundings.

"I think if we cut up across that hill we can reach our cars without being seen."

"Poison oak is, of course, one of my favorite ailments," Regina protested. "But it's better than being caught together, I guess," she begrudgingly agreed.

As they started up the hill, they glanced back down towards the river and spied David and Mary Margaret sitting by the river's edge. Emma quickly pulled Regina down behind a bush.

"Look!" she whispered dramatically.

"What the fuck are they doing here?" Regina hissed. "She's about ten months pregnant!"

"Shhh!" Emma cautioned. "I want to hear what they're saying!"

"You're still worried about what Archie said about love/hate relationships?" Mary Margaret asked.

"I'm sure Emma would never become involved with Regina in that way," David replied.

"They're talking about us!" Emma's gasped.

"Hardly surprising," Regina rolled hers. "They have no life of their own."

"Shush!" Emma elbowed her. "I can't hear."

"You're worried too much about it, Sweetheart. Emma's a grown woman. She won't do anything she doesn't want to do."

"I know. But she does have a tough way about her at times… her chosen profession, her jacket."

"What's wrong with my jacket?" Emma nearly jumped up from their hiding place. Regina's hand on her shoulder forced her back down.

"David, that's completely absurd. A person's sexuality is not determined by outward appearances. It's based on true love, like ours."

"Gag me," Regina coughed out.

"Shush!"

"You're probably right," David conceded. "After all, she _has_ only been with men."

Regina began to laugh out loud before Emma silenced her with a hand across her mouth.

"Did you hear that?" David jumped up.

"It was nothing, my love," Mary Margaret soothed. "Just a bird. Relax."

David returned to her side.

"You're right," he grinned. "I worry too much, a little on edge, I guess. And as far as Emma is concerned: Neal and Killian are her only suitors."

"Oops! He forgot the flying monkey," Regina teased.

"Shut up," Emma elbowed her again.

"So, Killian, is it?" Mary Margaret smiled. "You've started to accept him?"

"He grows on you," David smiled back. "But, I'm still a little worried about Regina."

"Why?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Yeah, _why?_" Regina repeated.

"You remember her reputation in the Enchanted Forest. She was ruthless and wanton. Everyone knows she seduced that fairy, Tinkerbelle."

"I did nothing of the kind," Regina began to jump up before being restrained by Emma.

"And you remember the stories about that girl from the land of Aladdin, Scheherazade?" David resumed. "She kept her prisoner for 1001 nights and had her way with her."

"Is that true?" Emma questioned astonished.

"It was 101 nights. I don't know why everyone gets that wrong."" Regina's eyes turned seductive as she glanced at Emma. "And worth every blessed moment."

Emma hit her hard on the arm.

"Ow," Regina cried out.

David jumped up. "Don't tell me I didn't her that!"

"No. I heard it, too!" Mary Margaret assented.

"Someone's watching us," he stated emphatically. "I'm going to check this out!"

He began sprinting up the hill towards Emma and Regina's bush.

"Run!" Emma yelled.

As they turned to dash up the hill, their blanket caught upon the bush and was ripped from them. As David arrived at their position, he made out two naked women cresting the hill. _What the hell? _His instinct was to chase after them, but he quickly abandoned the notion as he looked back down to his pregnant wife, anxiously awaiting him on the riverbank. As he turned to walk back to her, he noticed a blanket caught upon a bush. He untangled it and carried it down with him.

"What was it?" Mary Margaret asked him anxiously.

"Odd," came his response. "I only saw their behinds, I mean, saw them from behind. Two naked women."

"Oh," Mary Margaret blushed. "Young lovers, perhaps?"

"I don't know. But…"

"But what?"

"I don't know…"

"Out with it," she demanded.

"One blonde, the other brunette… it kind of looked like Emma and Regina."

"David," Mary Margaret admonished. "You're obsessing! Get over it."

"Of course you're right, as always, my darling" David kissed her lips. "They left this behind," he stated as he placed the blanket in her lap.

Mary Margaret's eyes grew wide.

"David, this is _our_ blanket."


	3. Chapter 3

Granny's café had always been dicey for Regina under the best of circumstances. But the morning after the day she had made mad, passionate, better-than-monkey love to the town savior and repeated the act by the riverside a few hours earlier? Even weirder. Plus, they had almost been caught by David and Mary Margaret! She was about to enter with trepidation, when she sensed an arrow being shot at her head. She caught it with one hand.

"So sorry," Robin offered apologetically from across the street. "Thought you might be the Wicked Witch or something!"

Regina did not dignify his comment with a response as she broke the arrow in two and dropped it on the ground before entering the café. _Idiot._

She attempted to remain innocuous as she approached the counter for a latte. No such luck.

"Mayor," Granny's voice boomed out across the room. "What can I get for you today?"

"Um, just a latte, please, as usual," Regina offered demurely.

"One _umjustalatteasusual _for the frigging mayor coming up!" Granny announced.

"Leave her be, Granny, geez," Ruby intervened. "I'll get your latte. Have a seat, Regina."

Regina sank into a seat at the counter. As Ruby brought her a latte, she unexpectedly reached out and patted her upon the hand.

"You have the scent of someone who got some recently, know what I mean?" she winked. She sniffed the air as she peered down at Regina. "Very recently!"

Regina was indignant.

"I have no idea what you're referring to," she said in her most frosty voice.

"It's okay, Mayor," Ruby smiled as she patted her hand again. "We got your back on this one."

Regina lifted the sleeve of her Dolce and Gabbana jacket to her nose and sniffed. _I went home. I showered. I put on clean clothes. What the fuck is she talking about?_

Regina almost spit out her latte as Leroy slapped her on the back.

"That's right, Madame Mayor," he slurred. "We all know. And if you don't do right, believe me, there will be a paid to be priced, er… a price to be paid."

Regina turned to him with her most wicked smile.

"Not that I know what you're referring to you drunken little gnome, but mind how you talk to me!"

"Knock it off, Leroy," Ruby intervened.

"Why?" he persisted. "She owes us!"

"Came in for the pig, stayed for the poke?" Regina jabbed.

Suddenly, there was a hand upon Regina's shoulder.

"Come and join us," Mary Margaret offered earnestly.

Regina surveyed her situation: Granny yelling at her, Ruby winking at her and Leroy belching on her.

"Gladly," she replied.

She sidled into a booth next to Mary Margaret and David.

"I just want to tell you that I know how hard that was for you last night," Mary Margaret began.

"How hard what was?" Regina blurted out reflexively. "Why is everyone all of a sudden so fascinated by my sex life?!"

"Um," Mary Margaret was startled. "I only meant when you came over to the house and saw Henry. So… what about your sex life?"

"Oh, um, nothing. Just something Leroy said," Regina recovered.

"You mustn't let him bother you," Mary Margaret countered. "Sometimes he drinks too much."

"You think?" Regina smirked.

"No really, Regina, I know seeing Henry was hard for you," Mary Margaret continued.

Regina grew sullen.

"It was worse than hard. It was devastating."

"I know that if you work with Emma, between the two of you, this will get figured out," Mary Margaret offered.

"I am working with Emma. But, so far, nothing."

"Really?" David asked. "You've got nothing going on with my daughter?"

Mary Margaret elbowed him in the gut. Undeterred, David produced a blanket upon the table.

"What do you know about this blanket?" he continued. "I found it all wet on a bush in the woods this morning by the river. It came from our house!"

"I know nothing of your wet bush or your blanket, I can assure you, David," Regina feigned. _Could this morning get any weirder?_

David's eyes narrowed. "Just what, exactly, _are_ you doing with my daughter?"

"Stop this," Mary Margaret admonished.

"Why?" David countered.

"Because it's none of our business, Sweetheart," Mary Margaret smiled awkwardly.

"The whole damn town is talking about them," David shook his head.

"No," Mary Margaret corrected. "_You_ are talking about them. And," she stated slowly, softly, "It's none of our business!"

"Well, it's my business!" Hook suddenly appeared.

"Killian, stay out of this," David advised.

"Yeah, stay out of it," Emma said from behind him.

Hook looked at Emma with surprise.

"Didn't know you were here, darlin'," he smiled his most rakish smile.

"Obviously not!"

Emma eyed Regina with concern.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine, Emma, thank you for asking," Regina returned with her most dignified voice. "Where is Henry?"

"Oh, he really likes the library in the clock tower, so I left him there with Belle."

"He always did like to read," Regina proffered sadly.

"Because of you," Mary Margaret smiled sweetly.

"And you," Regina nodded.

"Okay, enough with the mutual admiration society," Emma said. "Regina?" She inclined her head towards the counter. "I need to talk to you."

As the two women made their way to the counter, Hook watched with jealousy, David watched with concern, and Mary Margaret silently nodded approval.

Behind the counter, on a shelf, Regina noticed a cymbal-banging-monkey-toy. She looked at Emma as she gestured to it.

"Looks like your type," she smirked. "Should I be jealous?"

She was repaid with a punch on the arm and a terse, "Shut up!"

Killian and David eyed them with interest. _What was going on here?_ Emma had just punched Regina in the arm and Regina had laughed. Now their heads were almost touching as they spoke. Killian felt outraged. He was the one who had given Emma the memory potion… for this? No! She was his!

"I'm going to break that up," Hook stated.

Mary Margaret grabbed his arm.

"No. You're not. We need Emma and Regina working together to solve the mystery of this new curse. If they get along well… all the better."

"Just leave them be, buddy," David slapped him on the back. "I've already tried."

Hook looked again as Emma and Regina's heads touched as they spoke quietly. _Not what I had planned._ He turned his glance towards David. The prince's hair was perfect. His eyes were twinkling.

"Coming our way, Killian?" David rose as he helped his pregnant wife up and smiled his impossibly charming smile.

Killian eyed David. _His teeth positively sparkle when he smiles!_

"I _am_ coming your way," Hook relented as he followed David out of the café.

"And just what are your plans until the baby is born, mate?" he queried as he threw an arm around David's shoulder.

/

Emma and Regina walked down the street. They did not hold hands, although their hands occasionally grazed each other. The morning had grown cold and their breath mingled in streams of vapor.

"So, everyone seems to know about us," Regina said.

"Know what?" Emma asked.

"That we fuck each other!" Regina stated loudly.

"Keep shouting and they will," Emma shook her head incredulously. "You're paranoid."

"Ruby could smell sex on me."

"Ruby smells sex on everything," Emma countered.

"Leroy implied he knew."

"Leroy?" Emma's eyebrows rose. "Leroy _implied_ something? Well… that _is_ news."

Regina smiled.

"David found the blanket we used," she continued.

"Did he recognize it?" Emma was suddenly concerned.

"He did, indeed."

"Shit," came Emma's eloquent reply.

Both women were silent as they continued to walk. Suddenly, an arrow flew by their heads. Regina caught it.

"What the fuck was that?" Emma asked in a shocked tone of voice.

"Sorry, so sorry!" Robin yelled at them from across the street. "I profusely apologize! I thought you might be the Wicked Witch!"

Regina threw the arrow back towards him.

"That idiot has been shooting arrows at my head all day."

Her voice rose as she yelled at Robin. "Apparently all women look like the Wicked Witch to him!"

"I do apologize!" he called back.

"Just keep walking," Regina exhaled.

"So who is he?" Emma inquired.

"Robin of Loxley."

"Robin Hood?!" Emma gasped.

"The very same," Regina smirked.

Emma pondered this as they continued walking.

"Um," she finally whispered, "Wasn't he supposed to be a _good_ shot? Legend has it that he split the bulls-eye arrow with an arrow of his own."

"According to legend," Regina replied.

"But that shot missed us by about a foot!"

"All that glitters is not gold. Don't believe everything that starts with _Legend Has It_, Ms. Swan."

"Wait a minute, Regina. You caught an arrow! You can catch arrows? Is that magic?"

Regina was insulted.

"I just happen to be extremely coordinated!" She replied indignantly.

"I'll say," Emma looked at her skeptically. "Pretty good hand-eye coordination, not to mention reflexes. Do the Mets know about you? I've never seen anything like that."

"And now… you have!" Regina smiled, self-satisfied.

"Hmm," Emma shook her head.

"Hmm, what?" Regina demanded.

"Just… I'm wondering why Robin Hood is so fixated on you."

"Who says he is?" Regina shrugged.

"He's shooting arrows at you. Kinda' symbolic, don't ya think?"

"Oh, that."

"Yeah," Emma replied as she took her by the arm and dragged her into an alley. "That!"

"Okay," Regina caved. "Back in the Enchanted Forest, Tinkerbell cast a spell that led me to my true love who was supposed to be a man with a lion or, wait a minute," her attention waned as she drew out the words, "was it a dragon tattoo?"

"Your _true love?_" Emma was upset.

"Yes. _True Love's Kiss_ and all that nonsense. So, anyway, Robin has that tattoo."

"So," Emma mulled this over slowly. "_He_ is your true love?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I mean, maybe, in another reality. But…"

She was not allowed to finish her sentence as Emma pushed her hard up against the wall of a building. She pressed herself against her so that Regina could scarcely breathe. Emma kissed her lips passionately before moving to her neck, then her ear.

"In another reality what?" she whispered.

"Jealous much?" Regina smiled teasingly.

Emma flicked her wrist and Regina's pants disappeared.

"Geezus, Emma!" Regina gasped. "We're in public!" She paused for a moment to consider the situation. "How did you do that? Dematerializing clothes: that's Lesson 16, we're still on Lesson 2: water!"

"I have many skills when I'm pissed off," Emma said as she reached between her legs and began to fondle her.

Regina's head rolled back against the brick wall as she gave herself over to desire. Emma kissed her neck and her lips. She penetrated her mouth with her tongue as she inserted two fingers up inside her. She knew exactly where to go to provide her lover with absolute pleasure. It wasn't long before she felt and heard Regina's release.

"Oh God, Oh God, Emma," Regina cried as she writhed against her before collapsing, helpless, into her arms.

She breathed heavily into Emma's shoulder for a moment, before recovering. She looked seductively into the other woman's eyes, then smiled and uttered: "Jealous much?"

Emma shook her head.

"Why do I _even_ care?"

"But, you _do_ care," Regina caressed her face with her hand. "I'm sorry. Don't be jealous. You weren't even born when Tinkerbelle led me to my true love!"

"That's it!" Emma hissed angrily. "No more about your _true love!_" She shook her head disdainfully. "I'm leaving."

"Emma!" Regina called after her desperately.

The other woman turned towards her. "What?"

"My pants?" Regina smiled sweetly.

"Oh," Emma considered for a moment as she eyed Regina. "I can only do that kind of magic when I'm really angry. I'm sorry," she shrugged. "Oops, meant to say: _I profusely apologize!_"

Voices could be heard on the street approaching the alley. Emma smiled.

"Do it yourself!"

"No. I want the pants I was wearing!"

Emma didn't move.

"What are you doing?" Regina asked.

"Enjoying the view," Emma eyed her up and down.

/

Archie and Dr. Whale were partaking in a peaceful morning constitutional.

"I'm not sure I agree with this plan of placing our fate in the hands of the Town Savior and the Evil Queen." Whale intoned.

"Well, as I was trying to point out the other night, their dynamic suggest explosive and, quite possibly, spectacular results," Archie offered.

"Men of science should be in charge of this endeavor. Those two women," Whale disparaged, "their _dynamic,_ as you put it, is unholy and unnatural."

"Um, I don't wish to appear insensitive, but weren't you experimenting with reanimating rotting tissue?" Archie pointed out.

"The key word there is _experimenting._ It was a well researched and scientific investigation based on medical fact and theory," Whale countered.

"Indeed," Archie stated as he rearranged his glasses and cleared his throat.

"I just hope those two will use their combined _powers_ in a proper manner," Whale continued. "Not waste time on the frivolous pursuits women are so often inclined towards."

"I am quite sure that Regina and Emma are concentrating all their energies towards finding the key to unraveling this new curse," Archie nodded.

"Perhaps," Whale sighed. "But I can't help but believe that men of science, such as me and you, could produce better results. You, with your knowledge of the inner workings of the mind, the id, the ego, and me, with my brilliance in the medical field: we would make quite the formidable team!"

"We might at that," Archie smiled.

"None would dare cross us!" Whale announced.

"We would strike fear in the hearts of those who practice the dark arts!" Archie agreed proudly. "But still," he softened his tone. "I feel confident that Emma and Regina are using their powers in a productive manner."

Suddenly they heard a woman's voice scream from a nearby alleyway: "Give me back my pants!"

They ran to the scene.

/

"Quit playing these little games, Emma. Those are designer pants to match my designer jacket! Rematerialize them now!"

"No dry-off spell, no designer-pants spell. What's a girl to do?"

Archie and Dr. Whale ran into the alleyway and froze as they peered at the two women ensconced there. Their mouths dropped at the sight of Emma, her hands placed defiantly upon her hips, and Regina, naked from the waist down.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" both women yelled simultaneously.

The two men appeared momentarily terrified before they scurried off. Emma and Regina glanced at each other. Both began to laugh.

"I really don't know where your pants are, Regina. Like you said, I'm a newbie."

Regina flicked her wrist in an elegant manner and was suddenly clothed in a new pair of pants.

"Looks good," Emma nodded.

"These aren't the ones I wanted," Regina sulked.

"C'mon," Emma inclined her head towards the street as she held out her hand. "Let's go."

"It really does have nothing to do with you," Regina said as she took her hand.

"What? Your pants?"

"No, the true love thing. It was before you were even born. You believe me don't you?"

Emma stood for a second, holding Regina's hand. She stared up at the gray sky.

"It's just _so_ weird, Regina. You had a _True Love_ before I was even born."

"But," Regina protested, "I never even knew him! Really, Em, he means nothing to me."

"That's not it," Emma began. "Well, okay, it's good to hear you say it. But, the fact that you had this whole life before I was even born is a little disconcerting."

"I know," Regina began to walk with her. "I'm sorry. There are so many thing I wish I could change."

"We'll get there, Regina," Emma smiled as they strolled down the street again.

They stopped in front of Geppetto's. Regina gazed at her reflection in the storefront window.

"Damn!" she exclaimed.

"What is it?" Emma echoed her alarm.

"These pants completely clash with my jacket!" Regina cried out.

Emma laughed out loud.

"Get over it. Check out the workmanship here."

She nodded towards the store.

"I used to buy Henry's toys here," Regina looked through the window wistfully.

"You will again," Emma patted her back gently.

"Oh look, Emma," Regina suddenly perked up. "There's a little stuffed monkey!"

"Oh no," Emma cut her off. "You don't get to go there anymore, not after that little reveal about Tinkerbelle, True Love and Robin Hood! _A guy who can't even shoot straight,"_ she added under her breath.

"Alright, I'll let it go," Regina relented. "This time," she quickly added.

The two women gazed at each other and smiled. Almost unconsciously, they shared a kiss.

"Mom! Mom! What's going on?" Henry was clearly upset as he ran towards them from the library.

Both women turned to him. "Henry?"

Belle caught up to him and wrapped her arm around him.

"Now, Henry," she stated gently. "It's okay. Love comes in all forms. It is never to be questioned. Always to be celebrated and cherished!"

Henry looked at her quizzically. "Um, what?"

"I know you saw your Mom kissing Regina," Belle explained.

Henry blinked his eyes as he looked at them.

"You guys were kissing?"

"Henry, I can explain," Emma began.

"I'm from Manhattan, Mom. You don't need to explain," he shook his head. "That's not it."

"Then what is it, Henry?" Regina queried anxiously.

Henry pointed to the sky. There appeared to be a woman on a flying broomstick skywriting a message.

"What's going on?" he asked again.

People began wandering out onto the street. Soon a crowd had gathered.

"What's she writing?" Leroy asked.

"To those of us who can read," Regina sneered at him, "it appears to say _Surrender."_

"This isn't good, David." Mary Margaret leaned into her husband as he placed an arm around her shoulder.

Regina noticed Robin in the crowd.

"Hey, arrow boy," she called out. "That's what the Wicked Witch looks like!"

Robin turned reflexively as an arrow came flying out. As usual, Regina caught it.

"Sorry! So sorry," he shrugged.

"That's it!" Emma yelled at him as she stepped in front of Regina protectively. "You're doing that on purpose!"

"My lady, I assure you," he bowed, "nothing of the kind."

"Don't you _My Lady_ me!"

Emma was about to go after him but was stopped by Regina's firm grip on her arm.

"Not now, Emma," she cautioned as she glanced at the sky.

"Perhaps you offended his fashion sense," Hook chimed in as he gave Regina's outfit the once over.

"Shut up, Tin Man," Regina scowled.

"Really Regina," he continued, "_those_ pants with a Dolce and Gabbana jacket? I gave you credit for more style."

"Oh yeah?" Regina was livid. "And maybe you can't see clearly from behind all that smeared guy-liner!"

She was about to go after him, but was stopped by Emma's firm grip upon her shoulder.

"Not now, Regina." Emma gave her a look and shook her head as she pointed to the sky.

"She's writing something else," Archie exclaimed as he drifted towards Emma and Regina. Suddenly becoming aware of his proximity to the two women, he quickly scampered away.

Everyone's eyes were fixed on the sky as the words _Surrender Dorothy_ were scrawled across the heavens.

"Who in the hell is Dorothy?" Granny complained loudly.

"More importantly," Mary Margaret interjected, "who _was_ Dorothy?"

"Was anyone here Dorothy in the Enchanted Forest?" David questioned as he surveyed those around him. His gaze fixated momentarily on Hook.

"Oh no, Mate. Not me. I may have known some friends of Dorothy, if you get my drift," he winked. "But, as for being Dorothy, herself? No such luck!"

"Um, wasn't Dorothy from Oz?" Ruby asked.

"From Kansas, to be precise!" Hook informed.

David surveyed him with his best law man glare.

"You seem to know quite a lot about his, Killian," he surmised.

"It's actually common knowledge." He moved close to David so as not to be overheard. "In this realm, Dorothy is actually quite famous. Cultural iconography and all that bilge. And, no, I'm still not her. Just wishful thinking on your part, eh?"

Suddenly, a wicked cackle echoed down from the sky.

"My bad!" the voice reverberated. "Old habits yadda, yadda..."

The skywriting began again as a large strikethrough was placed over the name Dorothy.

The crowd released a collective gasp as a new name replaced it in the sky.

Henry shook his head. "This town is so weird."


	4. Chapter 4

The collective town gasp turned to low murmurs until Granny blurted out:

"I don't like that kind of language hanging over the skies of this town, goddammit!"

"Oh, Henry," Mary Margaret attempted to shield his eyes. "Don't look!"

"Mom," Henry protested to Emma. "Please tell them I grew up in New York City. No one needs to protect me from stuff. All it says is _Surrender Bitch!_ What's the big deal?"

As the words _Surrender__ Bitch_ wafted over the assembled crowd, eyes began to turn towards Regina.

"Why's everyone looking at me?" she complained.

"You do fit the bill, darlin'," Hook shrugged.

"Yeah, whadja' do to her anyway?" Leroy joined in.

"Regina," David stated, "I think you have some explaining to do."

"I object," Emma spoke up.

"Thank you, Emma," Regina nodded.

"Oh, um, I just meant that the word _bitch_ is a derogatory term for a woman. I object to sexist terminology being scrawled across the sky."

She turned and muttered to Regina, "I mean, she probably does mean you, right?"

Regina smiled her most intimidating smile.

"That's right! I'm a strong, powerful woman," she announced for all to hear. "Call me a bitch! I claim it! But there is no evidence that I'm _the_ bitch she's referring to."

Her toned changed as she smiled sweetly at Emma. "After all, I'm not the _only_ strong, powerful woman in town."

"As much as I hate to agree with the bitch…" Dr. Whale began.

Both Regina and Emma cut him off immediately.

"Hey!" they shouted in unison.

"You better watch it, you Frankenweeny wannabe," Regina glared at him menacingly. ""That's Madame Bitch, to you!"

"I only meant to say," Whale continued in a nervous voice, "that if there is a Kansas connection here, I believe there is only one of us who could've traveled there."

"You mean me?" Emma stammered incredulously.

"I do believe Dorothy had an Auntie Em," Whale lifted his eyebrows in a superior manner.

"She crossed out the name Dorothy," Mary Margaret defended Emma, "and my daughter is not a bitch!"

"I am the only one here who can prove my whereabouts in this world. They actually gave me a birth certificate after they found me in that cradle, um stump, um magic tree thingee," Emma rolled her eyes and exhaled. "Do any of you have a birth certificate?"

The citizens of Storybrooke looked down and shuffled their feet. "No. Um no. Not me. Me neither," came muffled voices.

"At least I can remember what I've been doing for the last year!" she continued.

"Not sure you want to go there," Regina interrupted as she pantomimed eating a banana.

"I've still got that flyswatter!" Emma threatened.

"Oooh," Regina lifted a brow seductively, "Later?"

Emma ignored her as she resumed her tirade: "Can anyone else remember last year? Anyone?!"

"No. Um no. Not me. Me neither."

"Mom?" Henry questioned. "What are you talking about?"

"Not now, Henry!" she cut him off. "None of you even know what you have been doing for oh, the last 365 days, or so. For all we know, the _bitch_ could be anyone one of you!"

"Granny's been bitchy to me before," Leroy grumbled.

"Tinkerbell, here, can be a bit of a bitch, as well," Hook nodded at the fairy. "I mean, for a looker!" He winked at her.

"You're the only bitch I see," Tinkerbell shot back at him.

"I'm pretty sure I've never been a bitch to anyone," Belle offered thoughtfully.

"I'm not sure I know what a bitch is," Ariel murmured.

Suddenly, a voice boomed from the sky: "_I__diots_!" the witch screamed. "Regina is _The Bitch_!"

Unfortunately, she had become so distracted, that she became entangled with some high tension wires, was jolted off her stick in a shower of sparks, bounced off a roof top and landed in some bushes with a series of _"oofs" _and _"ouches"_ accompanying her fall. Her broom crashed down on top of her a moment later. A thin trail of smoke could be seen emanating from the bushes as a reedy voice called out: "What a world, what a world…"

Regina glanced at Emma. "Let's get her!"

Both women ran to the bushes with the townsfolk closely behind. Emma pulled Zelena up by her collar and forced her against a building wall with a forearm to the neck.

"David!" Mary Margaret gasped. "She looks just like Zelena, our midwife!"

David peered closely at the face struggling for breath against Emma's powerful forearm. "She _is_ Zelena!"

"Not an expert on Freudian Psychology, mind you," Killian whispered to David, "but you hired the Wicked Witch to watch over your wife and unborn baby?"

David gave him a menacing glare.

The witch was somewhat discombobulated from her shocking fall. The occasional spark still lit up her hair.

"We'll see who's the bitch now!" Emma sneered at her.

"Stay out of this, blondie. This is between me and Regina!" she coughed.

"What do you want from me?" Regina asked.

"Nothing you'll miss, dear. I only need your heart!"

As Zelena began to reach for Regina's chest, Emma grabbed her wrist.

"Too late," Regina breathed deeply as she looked at Emma. "Someone's already got that."

Emma returned her tender gaze.

"Aw," she cooed as she turned to her. "That's so sweet. You mean that?"

She inadvertently loosened her grip on the witch. Zelena took advantage of the momentary reprieve, waved her arm and disappeared into a cloud of green smoke, cackling madly as she did so. Emma was left grasping at air.

"Shit."

/

The townsfolk regrouped at city hall.

"So, there's a Wicked Witch in town," Leroy nodded.

"How observant of you," Regina smirked.

"Yeah," Leroy became angry, "well you and Emma were supposed to protect us from this."

"We did protect you, moron. What were you looking at?"

"If you two had your eyes on her instead of each other," he complained, "she wouldn't have gotten away!"

"Hey," Emma called out as she moved to Regina's side. "That's not fair!"

"Mom?" Henry interjected. "Can I go fishing now?"

"Um, what?" Emma was confused. "No."

"I think we all need to calm down here," Mary Margaret restored order. "Emma and Regina have been working on a way to break the new curse, as we all know."

"What do you mean by _as we all know_?" Emma eyes grew wide as she stared at her mother.

"I thought that you and Regina, using your magic together, would give us our best chance at figuring this situation out. The townsfolk agreed," Mary Margaret explained.

"Finally… an intelligent decision from you nitwits," Regina stated smugly.

"Fat lot of good it did us!" Granny yelled.

"I have seen them, um, collaborating together," Archie informed.

"Yeah, but we still have a Wicked Witch threatening our town," Ariel spoke up meekly. "I'm afraid of Wicked Witches!"

As the townsfolk debated, Emma pulled Regina away from the crowd for a private chat.

"So? Did you mean what you said before?" she queried.

"About my heart being taken?"

"Yeah, that," Emma blushed.

"Yes," Regina nodded. "I gave it to Robin Hood to keep for me this morning."

"_You what?!" _ Emma whisper-yelled at her. "Why in the hell did you do that?!"

"It's the perfect plan," Regina tried to shush her.

"Think about it. He lives with those strange men in a dingy hovel at the edge of town. He has no _known_ connection to me. No one would ever suspect I would hide my heart there!"

"But why, Regina? Giving your heart to a guy you met yesterday is so _completely_ out of character for you!"

"I figured if there were flying monkeys," she rolled her eyes reproachfully at Emma, "there had to be a Wicked Witch. I was taught to never take my heart into a witch-fight!"

"That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Emma complained.

She dragged Regina further away from the crowd.

"Are you insane?" she practically jumped out of her skin. Emma was incredulous. She paused before asking: "When did you do this?"

"After our magic lesson by the river this morning," Regina replied. "Why?"

"Just wanted to make sure that what happened between us came from the heart." Emma looked downcast as she shoved her hands into her pockets.

"Love doesn't come from the heart, Emma. It comes from the mind and the soul."

"It comes from the heart, too, Regina!" Emma was suddenly livid. "Is that why he was shooting arrows at you all day? Your true love?"

"Quit being ridiculous. I couldn't give my heart to you. You're always with me in a fight. Plus, I didn't want to put you in harm's way any more than I already have."

She reached over and gently tugged at Emma's jacket sleeve. "You have my heart in every way that matters."

Emma eyed her skeptically as she shook her head. "In everyway that matters… huh? Meanwhile, your real heart is in a rundown hovel at the edge of town being guarded by a complete stranger and a bunch of guys he calls his Merry Men!"

/

Laughter and cheers could be heard emanating from a rundown hovel at the edge of town.

"That was a jolly good game of Dip the Arrow!" Will Scarlet winked at Robin. "What should we do now?"

"I think we should watch the town meeting on Storybrooke T.V." Friar Tuck said. "We need to keep up on local events after what happened in the town square today."

"Oh, that reminds me," Robin declared jauntily. "Regina gave me her heart this morning. I think she rather fancies me!"

"Oh no. Really, Robin?" Will pouted.

"You weren't stalking her again, were you?" Friar Tuck admonished.

"Let's see it!" Alan a Dale chimed in.

Robin produced the heart from under his cloak. A collective "Ooooh!" filled the room.

"She wants me to keep it safe from the Wicked Witch," Robin informed proudly.

"I've heard you can make people do things if you have their heart," Much the Miller's Son offered excitedly.

"What sort of things?" Robin was curious.

"I dunno', like say things and such," Much shrugged.

"Oh, what fun!" Will called out. "Do turn on the telly good Friar."

"I just want to point out that this is highly unethical," Tuck intoned as he pressed power on the T.V. remote.

/

"Regina? Emma, honey… would you care to rejoin us?" Mary Margaret asked sweetly.

The two women sauntered back to the rest of the crowd.

"We need to make a plan," David said.

"Any ideas, Madame Mayor? After all, she seems to be after you," Dr. Whale smirked.

"Who's into Whale, here?" Regina blurted out. "Cause you can go hump back at my house! Are you circumcised, Whale? I can hire four skin divers! Did you get your name 'cause you look like a sperm, Whale?"

Regina looked mortified as she quickly threw her hands over her mouth.

"How dare you!" Whale was indignant.

The Merry Men howled with laughter as they watched on T.V. back in their hovel.

"That was a good one, Much," Alan cackled. "Let me try!"

Much handed Regina's heart to Alan.

"Regina!" Mary Margaret exclaimed. "What's gotten into you!"

"I, I don't know," Regina stammered. "Dr. Whale, I'm so sorry."

"Let's get back to the business at hand," David shook his head. "I think we should go to Zelena's house!"

"Kitty, kitty," Regina called. "Has anyone seen my furry, little pussy? I do love it so!"

"Regina!" David, Emma and Mary Margaret shouted.

Regina stood with her mouth agape as she peered helplessly at them.

The Merry Men laughed even harder.

"This is too fun!" Will wiped tears from his eyes. "My turn!"

"What's wrong with you?" Emma looked at Regina with concern.

"I want _your_ pussy," Regina announced. "I want your blonde, furry pussy. I want to pet it and hold it and kiss it and lick the love juices off your hot, throbbing pussy! _Meow!"_

As the Merry Men doubled over with laughter, the townsfolk sat in utter shock

Ruby shook her head and murmured: "Like that's a newsflash."

"Did you set the DVR at home to record?" Granny whispered to her. "This is getting good."

"You know I did," Ruby whispered back as they both tried not to smile.

"Ariel, can you take Henry fishing?" Emma requested urgently.

"No, Mom!" Henry complained. "This is just getting exciting! Why is Regina so interested in cats all of a sudden?"

"I'd be glad to," Ariel replied as she ushered Henry out of the hall. "I love the salty sea, um, I mean the ocean."

"Oh," Emma called after them, "and watch out for flying monkeys!"

Ariel looked anxiously above her as she offered a nervous wave of acknowledgement.

Emma grabbed Regina by one arm and dragged her away from the townsfolk. She glared at her with an incredulous look upon her face before stating: "What. The. Fuck."

"Emma, I…" she began, but was suddenly at a loss for words.

"What? Nothing more to say about my pussy in front of our son and the entire town?!"

Regina's eyes lit up. "It's an enchantment! Someone's cast a spell on me!"

"Not a spell," Emma began thoughtfully. "I remember when Cora had Aurora's heart. She made her do things… say things. I think you've been punked."

"What? You mean Robin? No way! He's not that clever! He's an idiot!"

"And _you_ gave him your heart," Emma smirked as she shook her head.

"He wouldn't dare take advantage of that!"

Emma rolled her eyes. "Apparently he would."

Regina grew enraged. "I'm going to _kill_ him and his mangy Merry Men, too!"

She disappeared in a cloud of purple.

/

The Merry Men's laugh fest was spoiled as Mulan walked through the door with Robin's son in tow. She caught them talking into Regina's heart.

"What's going on here?!" she demanded.

"Just a harmless little bit of fun," Will informed her. "No need to get your panties in a bunch!"

"Roland!" Robin called out as the young boy jumped into his arms.

"I can't leave you guys alone for a second! This is _not_ funny," Mulan protested. "Aurora had her heart stolen and was made to do horrible things. She could have died!"

"How is Aurora?" Robin changed the subject. "Any sign of her prince yet?"

"No. Nothing. But she is still hopeful that Phillip will appear in Storybrooke."

"Oh, so sorry," Robin smiled sympathetically. "Meanwhile, she has you."

Mulan looked crestfallen for a moment. "I will protect her and the baby with my life."

"I know you will," Robin patted her arm.

Mulan's demeanor changed as she glowered at the Merry Men.

"Tell me, whose heart is that?" she commanded.

"Regina's," they answered in unison, before breaking out into laughter again.

"You stole the Evil Queen's heart?" she asked amazed.

"Actually," Robin answered, "she gave it to me. And she prefers Regina."

Mulan shook her head. "And you thought it wise to have a _harmless bit of fun_ with it?"

She turned to Robin. "Dude, she's going to _kill_ you!"

Just then, the door exploded in a tornado of purple smoke. Robin quickly handed Roland to Mulan as Regina burst into the room. He held both hands up to her.

"Regina," he smiled nervously.

Regina's voice had a tone of eerie calm that sent chills down the spines of all assembled as she spoke. "First you shoot arrows at me all day and now you play with my heart?"

"We were just having a little fun," Robin explained. "You need to lighten up!"

"I'll lighten up," she declared as balls of fire formed in her hands.

Emma suddenly ran in behind her.

"Hey, why'd you disappear on me like that?" she complained breathlessly.

"I'm just about to teach these peons a lesson!" Regina smiled with wicked glee.

"Wait a minute, Regina," Emma touched her shoulder and nodded towards Mulan and Roland.

Regina extinguished her flames when she saw the child.

"Mulan," Emma asked, "you weren't a part of this, were you?"

"Of course not. I've only just arrived. I put an end to it."

Emma glanced over to Much and noticed Regina's heart in his hand.

"Give me that!" she ordered fiercely.

Much's eyes grew wide as he froze in place.

Emma marched over to him and snatched it from his grasp. As she felt Regina's heart in her hands for the first time, a tingling sensation emanated from it and spread throughout her entire body. She was momentarily overcome by a clash of emotions: affection, desire, darkness and light. She felt light headed and almost passed out. Regina caught her by the elbow.

"Emma? What is it?"

Emma regained herself. She looked down at the glowing object in her hand.

"I'm okay," she assured. "But look what they've done to your heart!"

"What?!" Regina asked anxiously.

"It's all greasy and has fingerprints all over it!," Emma lamented sadly.

"I can fix that," Regina smiled as she waved her hand over her heart and erased any trace of smudges.

"Promise me," Emma eyed her sincerely, "I am the only one who holds your heart from now on."

"How could I deny such a request?"

"Cross your heart?" Emma smiled.

Regina began to make a cross sign over her chest.

"Oops," she returned the blonde's smile as she fingered a tiny cross upon her heart in Emma's hand.

"I knew it all along," Will smirked with disdain. "The Evil Queen and the Savior… together at last."

"Shut up!" Emma yelled. "She trusted you to keep this safe and you repaid her with ridicule!"

"It was inappropriate," Robin relented. "I apologize profusely."

"And you!" Emma took a few steps towards him. "Stay away from her! Her heart belongs to me now and I don't care _what_ Tinkerbell says!"

"Tinkerbell?" The Merry Men looked at each other and could scarcely hide their amusement.

"Wow, is everything a joke to you guys?" Mulan questioned.

"Hence the moniker _Merry Men_," Robin offered in a lilting voice. "It's better than the alternative: morose dwelling on a painful past and uncertain future. I think we do quite well considering the circumstances!"

"You don't have to stay with these jokers, Mulan," Emma suggested.

"For better or worse," Mulan began. "They have become like brothers to me. Besides, Aurora is not far from here and I have sworn to protect her. But, if you ever need me, I will be there!"

"Good to know," Emma acknowledged. "Let's get out of here, Regina. This place reeks."

/

Regina and Emma paused by Emma's car.

"You need to replace this in your chest." Emma held her heart out to her.

"There are _so_ many reasons _not_ to do that," Regina replied.

"Like?"

"Like then Zelena will know just where to find it, for one!"

"You can do a spell, like the one you did to protect Henry's heart," Emma said.

"That's the other reason," Regina sighed.

Emma puzzled for a moment. "Henry?" she asked.

"If I put my heart back, it will only hurt more. I can't deal with the sadness it brings me that Henry doesn't know me."

"Look, Regina, we all have to deal with sorrow in our lives. It's temporary. Woman-up, for crying out loud! We put your heart back, we protect it with a spell, we defeat Zelena and reverse the curse. That's the plan! No arguments!"

"I can't seal my own heart with a spell. Someone else has to do it."

"God, I hate magic sometimes," Emma shook her head. "Okay, so teach me!"

"It's not that easy. You have to feel unconditional love to enact the spell. I hardly think you love me in that way."

"Geezus, woman!" Emma was upset. "After everything you've put me through, everything you've done to me and my family: I'm still here holding your heart. If that's not true love, then I don't know what is!"

"If we do this, then we'll know for sure," Regina spoke softly. "I don't know if I'm ready for that, whichever way it turns out."

Emma rolled her eyes. "You're such an emotional basket case! We're doing this now!"

She pressed Regina's heart into her hands and then moved her hands to her chest.

"Do it, Regina!" she commanded.

Regina did as ordered and replaced her heart. An immediate wave of sorrow washed over her as tears welled-up in her eyes. Emma pulled her into an embrace and held her.

"Now," she placed her forehead against Regina's, "teach me the spell."

Regina took Emma's hand and pressed it against her chest as she whispered the spell into her ear. Emma's hand lit up as she concentrated, trying to enact the spell.

"Oh!" Regina complained.

"What is it?" Emma asked.

"It stings a little," Regina offered her a weak smile.

Emma kissed her lips gently.

"It's good to have you back in one piece," she smiled as she kissed her again.

"Isn't this a pretty sight," Zelena strolled in their direction.

Both women were startled as they turned towards her. She smiled at them wickedly.

"Oh, by all means, don't let me interrupt!" she continued.

"What do you want, Sparky?" Regina scowled.

"You know what I want," Suddenly, Zelena reached for her heart. A golden light repelled her hand instantly. "Damn, first the Ruby Slippers, now this!"

Regina was jolted and stumbled back against Emma's car.

"You've got no power here!" Emma stated boldly as she helped Regina.

Zelena raised her hand and flipped Emma through the air and away from Regina.

"Amateur," she scoffed.

Regina halted her approach with magic of her own.

"Get out of here," she hissed, "before I drop a house on you!"

The two women were at a standoff before Zelena relented.

"This isn't over, Sister," she sneered. "Your friend's little love spell protecting your heart only makes it more difficult. But, I will have it!"

As she disappeared with her usual flurry of green smoke, Regina ran to Emma.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Just a little dusty, is all," Emma replied as she brushed twigs and dirt off her clothes.

"So," she looked at Regina with an expectant smile. "I guess the spell worked. You know what that means."

"It means you're getting better at magic. That I'm a good teacher."

They walked together back towards the yellow VW.

"And?" Emma persisted.

As each woman walked to opposite sides of the car, Regina opened the door on the passenger side and slid into the seat.

"And it means you're my true…" She stopped suddenly. "Emma?"

Emma did not get into the car. Regina jumped out. She looked around desperately. She was nowhere to be seen, as if she had vanished into thin air!

"Emma!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Emma!" Regina called out.

Robin and Mulan ran out to her.

"Regina, what's the matter?" Robin approached her.

"Zelena was here. She's taken Emma!"

"I'll go with you," he announced. "We'll find her together!"

"No," Mulan interjected. "You need to stay here with your son. I'll go with Regina."

"That's right, jackass," Regina scowled. "I'm extremely pissed off right about now and that kid is the only thing protecting you from my wrath!"

She jumped into the driver's seat of Emma's car and started the ignition.

Mulan turned to Robin. "If a Wicked Witch is around here, Aurora and her child could be in danger. I want you to go get her and bring her here. Protect her."

"I will, my friend," Robin and Mulan grasped each other's arms.

As Mulan opened the passenger door, she called out to Robin.

"Oh, and clean the place up while I'm gone. Pick up the dirty clothes and wash the dishes. I don't want Aurora and the baby coming to a pigsty."

"Will do!" Robin replied jauntily.

"Are you coming?" Regina shouted to Mulan in an irritated voice.

"Also," Mulan instructed Robin as she closed the car door and called out the window, "sweep and mop the floors! Disinfect the bathroom, clean the toilet and make sure the seat is down. Aurora is a lady!"

"I'll get right on that," he called back somewhat less enthusiastically.

As Mulan settled into the passenger seat, Regina ground the gears into first, then popped the clutch as the car lurched forward to a stop.

"Is there a problem?" Mulan asked.

Regina restarted the car and ground the gears again, with the same results.

Robin pumped his fist.

"Almost had it that time," he shook his head.

"Godammit!" she cursed as she hit the steering wheel with both hands. "I don't have time for this!"

"Perhaps I could drive," Mulan offered.

"Do you know how to drive a clutch on a yellow deathtrap?"

"I have actually never driven a car of any kind. But, I don't see how I could do much worse," Mulan replied earnestly.

There was no response from Regina.

"Perhaps we could walk?" Mulan offered.

Regina shook her head.

"I'm not leaving Emma's car here. It's like her _familiar._ I may need it to find her. Plus, she loves this car. And I love…" her voice dropped off.

"I understand," Mulan nodded. "Say no more."

"A levitation spell!" Regina declared. She concentrated hard as the car became airborne.

"I may not be able to drive a clutch in a deathtrap, but I can fly," she looked over at Mulan.

The warrior grabbed the dashboard, as her eyes grew wide.

"Perhaps, now that we're airborne, you could quit referring to it as a deathtrap," she swallowed hard.

/

Emma woke up in a dark cage. A strange voice spoke to her.

"Welcome, dearie. Someone to share my humble cage at last, how nice to have, yes?"

She cleared the cobwebs from her head and tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"Oh, a question! Questions! Questions! I love questions! Who asked the first question? Eve or the Serpent, hmmm?"

"Gold?" Emma tried to make out his features. "Is that you?"

"Questions more, yes?"

"Yes, more questions," she rubbed her head trying to assuage a pounding headache. "Where are we?"

"Relative, time and space are. Who can say, hmmm?"

Emma sighed. "Great. I just get done with Regina's pussy-speak and I'm stuck in a cage with Yoda. Why are you talking so funny?"

There was a long silence before Gold answered.

"She's taken my brain."

/

Ariel led Henry down to the shore.

"We're going to fish from here?" he questioned.

"_Fishing!"_ Ariel literally shook with revulsion.

"Are you okay?" Henry asked with concern.

"Fishing is a cruel evil perpetrated by humans upon the creatures of the sea!" Ariel replied.

"It's just a sport," Henry offered.

"No, Henry, it's not! It's it's…" Ariel struggled to find just the right word, "it's fishacide!"

"Fishacide?"

"The baiting and killing of innocent sea creatures for pleasure. What would you call it?"

"Um… dinner?"

"I've lost many a companion to the sharp hook," Ariel reflected.

"You act as if you're friends with them, the fish, I mean."

"I am. Starfish, swordfish, sea anemones, crabs," Ariel waxed nostalgic.

"Okay…" Henry rolled his eyes.

"Let's go swimming instead," Ariel brightened.

"No thanks. It's a little cold and, besides, I didn't bring my swimsuit."

"No worries," Ariel smiled. "We'll swim in our skivvies!"

Henry's eyes grew wide.

"You mean our underwear?"

He tried to avert his gaze as Ariel disrobed. He looked down to the sand, then up to the clouds. It was then that he noticed a yellow VW flying across the sky.

"Hey, isn't that my Mom's car?"

Ariel did not answer as she ran down the beach and dove into the waves. She rose from the water with her wet underwear clinging to her ample frame.

"You coming?" she smiled sweetly.

"Best. Day. Ever." Henry whispered to himself.

/

As Regina turned the yellow VW towards her house, Tinkerbelle appeared at the driver's side window.

"Hi Regina."

"Hi Tinkerbell."

"Got my wings back!"

"I can see that. Congratulations!" Regina gave her a dismissive look. "Little busy now."

"Flying car… cool! Levitation spell?" Tinkerbell admired her work.

"Yep," Regina nodded. "Is there something you needed, or did you just want to show me your feathers?"

"Your true love is here, Regina!"

"I know that, Tinkerbell."

"So you've hooked up with Robin Hood?"

"Not exactly. Turns out there is someone else for me."

"No, Regina! It's Robin Hood! It has to be!"

"Why?" Regina shook her head.

"It's been ordained! It comes from above! He is your true love!"

Regina shrugged. "Hate to disappoint. But that's not how it turned out. Gotta' land now."

"But wait, Regina! This isn't right!"

"Going down, Tinkerbell."

As Regina guided the car down towards her house, Tinkerbell followed, still babbling about Robin, Regina and true love.

"Watch out for the power lines!" Regina yelled at her.

Too late. Tinkerbell hit the wires with an explosion of sparks.

"What's with people from the Enchanted Forest and high tension wires?" Regina shook her head.

"Her wings are scorched!" Mulan was alarmed as she watched Tinkerbell plummet to the ground.

"What a shame. They were brand new, too," Regina sighed.

"We must help her!" Mulan stated emphatically.

"She's a fairy," Regina informed. "They specialize in soft landings."

As the car hit the ground with a thud, Regina managed to guide it into the garage and park it next to her Mercedes. Mulan jumped out.

"I must go help that poor fairy!"

"I think you should," Regina agreed. "Bring her to my house. I'll fix her a drink."

David, Mary Margaret and Hook were waiting for her on the front porch.

"Good. You got my text," Regina said.

"What's this about Emma being kidnapped?" Mary Margaret asked anxiously.

A look of bafflement crossed her features.

"And was that my daughter's car you were, um… flying?"

"Zelena's got her," Regina replied as she opened the door. She nodded at Hook. "What's he doing here?"

"I don't know," David replied. "But I can't seem to shake him."

"I'm not opposed to a little shake," Killian smiled.

"Whatever," Mary Margaret, David and Regina all shook their heads.

The foursome entered Regina's parlor.

"Why would Zelena take Emma if she's after you?" David questioned.

"Isn't it obvious, Mate?" Hook intoned.

David gave him a blank stare.

"Oh, sorry," Hook continued. "I forgot. You're challenged when it comes to discerning the obvious."

"Just say what you mean to say!" David demanded.

"Zelena's trying to get to Regina through Emma," Hook explained.

"I still don't get it," David look confused. "How could Zelena use Emma to get to Regina, unless they were in love, or something?"

A light went on in David's head.

"Oh," he said.

"Oh indeed, Mate!" Killian nodded.

"So, at City Hall, everything you said about um…" David could not finish the sentence as he began to blush. "My daughter's, um…"

"Pussy?" Killian helped him out.

"Yes, that," David cleared his throat, "is true?!"

"No judgments, David," Mary Margaret reminded gently.

"Just so you know, someone else was controlling my comments at City Hall," Regina began, "I would never use the word _pussy _to refer to a vagina, at least not in public. Snatch and twat are more my style. We used say quim back in the EF, remember, Mary Margaret?"

Mary Margaret smiled in spite of herself.

"This is not funny," David admonished his wife. "What have you been doing with my daughter?"

"She's a grown woman," Regina stated nonchalantly. "She doesn't need Daddy's permission to fuck someone."

Mary Margaret nodded resignedly.

David's face turned red. "Is she joking? I can never tell if she's joking."

"I don't think she's joking, Mate," Hook shook his head.

"Let's get back to the matter at hand," Mary Margaret redirected. "Was Zelana controlling you at City Hall? Does this have anything to do with Emma's disappearance?"

Regina waved her off.

"Totally unrelated," she assured. "_That _situation has been dealt with."

David attempted to refocus his energy from thoughts of Emma doing the nasty with Regina.

"A transformer exploded a moment ago," he said. "What's that got to do with this?"

"Nothing," Regina replied as she poured a drink. "That was just my friend…"

Mulan entered the room with a slightly singed fairy draped over her shoulder.

"Tinkerbell," Regina finished her sentence as Mulan deposited the fairy on a couch and Regina placed the drink in her hand.

"Thanks," Tinkerbell coughed as smoke came out of her mouth. She downed the drink.

"Where do you think Zelena took her?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Probably to the same place she took Gold," Killian answered.

"She'd have to be moron to do that," Regina pointed out. "We all know where that place is."

"Why does she want your heart, Regina?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Regina's fucking Emma?" Tinkerbell was just catching up to the conversation she overheard as Mulan had helped her into the house. She burped out more smoke and held up her empty glass. "Can I have a refresher?"

"I'm not sure. But something she said to me has peaked my curiosity," Regina revealed as she handed Tinkerbelle another drink.

"What's that?" David asked.

"She called me _Sister._"

"But, Regina, you don't have a sister," Mary Margaret pointed out.

"There is something in my vault I need to retrieve. A letter I have never been able to make sense of. I need to read it again. It may help us understand Zelena's motives."

"Then what are we waiting for?" David said. "Let's go!"

"Mulan, stay with Tinkerbell," Regina ordered.

"If that is how I may best serve," Mulan shook her head skeptically.

"It is for now," Regina replied as she headed for the door. "Make sure she doesn't spill anything on my sofa!"

/

"Gold, Gold, are you with me?" Emma asked.

"I have moments of lucidity, but only moments," he replied.

"I'm going to try and pick this lock," Emma said as she examined the old style padlock. She searched her pockets. "Damn, I've got nothing to use on it. Look around. There has to be something."

"It's useless, dearie" Gold exhaled.

"What happened to you, anyway?" Emma eyed him.

"She stole my dagger. It contains my power. My brain is scrambled, so long as it is in her possession."

"So your dagger is your brain," Emma reflected softly. "Might be a little disappointing for Belle."

"She can bend me to her will and there is nothing I can do about it'" he lamented.

"You can fight back," Emma spoke up. "Regina wouldn't sit here and do nothing!"

"So, Regina's a hero now, is she?"

"She is if she can get us out of here. She'll come for us. You'll see."

"That's what I'm counting on," a voice came out of the darkness.

"Zelena," Emma hissed.

"She'll come to rescue her damsel in distress. She'll be on my turf and I'll be ready for her!" the witch smiled.

"I've sealed her heart within her," Emma smirked at her. "You'll never get it."

"Well, not while she's alive, at least," Zelena ran her fingernails across the bars of the cage. "But that's not the problem. It's _how_ to kill her. I wouldn't want to damage the heart. These things must be done delicately."

/

"Don't touch anything in here," Regina warned as she led the others down the stairs into her vault.

"Regina?" Mary Margaret asked as she looked around. "Do you ever find it creepy that you have a vault?"

"No. Why would I?"

"Oh, I dunno'. Kind of creepy to me."

"You're just not familiar with the ways of magic," Regina chastened. "This is normal."

David picked up a small bottle.

"What part of _don't touch anything_ do you not understand?" Regina snarled at him.

"I'm just looking for the love potion you used on my daughter!"

"Oh, she doesn't need any chemical enhancements, believe me," Regina cooed seductively as she replaced the bottle. She turned to David.

"She's got it going _on!"_

"Are you going to let her talk about our daughter that way?" David turned to his wife, exasperated.

"You kind of asked for it, Sweetheart," Mary Margaret shrugged.

"Let's get that damn letter and be done with this place!" David growled.

Regina picked up a box from a shelf and opened it. She pulled out a folded piece of paper. They all watched her as she read it slowly. Her eyes filled with tears.

"What is it?" Mary Margaret queried.

"Damn!" Regina cursed as she crumpled the paper and threw it on the ground. She exited the vault in a whirl of purple smoke as the others stared at the wrinkled parchment on the floor.

"Wow! What was that all about?" Mary Margaret pondered.

"Should we read it?" David wondered.

"I don't see why not!" Hook offered cheerily as he picked up the note.

"Well? What's it say?" David asked anxiously.

"It says: _You have an older sister named Zelena, Love, Mum._"

"That's it?" David scratched his head.

There's a P.S. here," Hook informed.

"What's _that_ say?"

"_P.S.: Her magic is da bomb!"_

"Oh dear," Mary Margaret put her hand to her mouth.

/

Emma stood upon a tiled balcony overlooking a sculpted garden. Clouds passed over the moon as a slight breeze carried music from below. She looked down and saw that she was dressed in a shimmering gown, as if she had been attending a ball.

"Lovely, isn't it?" Regina's voice came from behind her.

"You mean the view or the gown?"

"Both, actually," Regina smiled as she joined her on the balcony.

"Wow! You look amazing," Emma gave her the once over. "I've never seen your hair up like that before. And Regina… you have cleavage!"

Regina was similarly attired in a dazzling gown with her hair swept up in an elegant arrangement.

"But I have say," Emma smiled, "I've got an urge to take it down."

"The hair or the cleavage?"

"Both."

"Shall we dance first?" Regina held out her hand.

Emma placed her hand in Regina's. Regina lifted it to her lips and kissed it.

"First time at the ball?" she smiled as she began to dance with her.

"I think it is."

"I'll lead then."

Regina swept her across the room to the faint strains of music being wafted upon the breeze as their gowns flowed elegantly behind them.

"This is magic," Emma's eyes grew wide with wonder.

"The best kind," Regina acknowledged.

She slowed their pace until they were barely moving; Regina then gently brushed Emma's lips with her own.

"Now you've been kissed at the ball."

Emma drew her close as she deepened the kiss. She glanced down at her cleavage as she caressed her neck. She watched as her breasts rose and fell with each touch of her lips.

"I want you so bad right now."

Regina lifted Emma's chin and gazed into her eyes before kissing her again.

"I want you, too," she breathed.

"I've never felt anything like his," Emma whispered.

"Tell me about it," Regina intoned as they moved slowly to the music once more.

"Like nothing else in the world matters: just me and you under the moon and stars. Like nothing else exists, but us, dancing in the dark. It feels like…"

"Magic?" Regina finished her sentence.

"Yes," Emma exhaled deeply as her eyes filled with tears.

Regina gently touched Emma's face.

"Crying? There's no crying in magic! Besides, I don't believe I've ever seen you shed a tear before. Must be the princess dress."

"I _do _feel like a princess. _Odd as that me be_," she mumbled under her breath. "But, that's not it."

"Why then?"

"Because none of this is real. I'm in a cage with Gold in Zelena's storm cellar."

"This _is_ real, Emma. It's the only reality that matters right now."

"So this is like some kind of Spirit Walk, only without the peyote buttons?"

Regina laughed gently. "Something like that. I used your car as a familiar. I gathered your energy, and brought you here."

"You used _my car_ as a familiar?!"

"It wasn't easy, let me tell you," Regina rolled her eyes.

"So where are we?" Emma questioned. "Is this the Enchanted Forest?"

"No. We're in a place all our own, where no one can touch us. I needed to bring you here to warn you."

"I knew this was too good to be true," Emma uttered sadly as she released Regina and walked out onto the balcony. She placed her hands on the cold stone of the balustrade. "What is it?"

"Zelena is my sister. She may be more powerful than me. The only way to defeat her is to combine our powers."

"She's your _sister?_ That's _so_ fucked up, Regina!"

"I know, right?"

"So what's the plan?"

"I'm going to come for you."

"No, Regina! It's a trap!"

"Not if we work together. Then it becomes a trap for her. When I come, concentrate all your energy on her. You're more powerful than both of us."

"No I'm not!"

"You are, Emma. I can feel it. I'm limited, but together we're unlimited! Reach deep inside yourself and concentrate your energy on her and I'll take her down."

"If I'm as powerful as all that, maybe I should just take her down myself."

"Your magic is too undisciplined and unpredictable at this point. She threw you like a rag doll, remember? Just stay on the down-low, please. I know you know how to do that," Regina arched her eyebrows.

"It's too dangerous," Emma shook her head.

"What's the alternative? Remaining in that cage with Gold?"

"Eww. He's lost his mind, Regina. Did I tell you he's talking like Yoda now?"

"Hardly surprising. He always was a bit of a toad."

Both women smiled. The light of the moon illuminated billowy clouds. The moon and stars seemed to float through them slowly on the gentle breeze. A light trace of eucalyptus and jasmine blossoms scented the air. The faint strains of music had been replaced by the chirping of crickets and the melodic song of a mocking bird. Emma slipped her hand into Regina's as she drew close to her.

"Did you create this place?" she wondered.

"No. _We_ did. The power of our magic together created this place. Can't you feel it all around us, Emma?"

Emma did not reply. She slipped her arm around Regina's waist and laid her head on her shoulder. Regina wrapped her arm around Emma and kissed the crown of her head They stood for a long while, without moving, in the moonlight.

"I wish we could just stay here, Regina," Emma spoke at long last. "It's so perfect, so beautiful. I feel I can breathe here. Like something was missing and now it's found."

"It is enchanting," Regina agreed.

"How much time do we have?"

"Enough."

"Enough time for…" Regina pulled her into an embrace and kissed her.

Emma felt, suddenly, light. She glanced down. They were no longer standing on the ground.

"Regina," she exclaimed. "We're levitating!"

"Defying gravity," Regina kissed her again.

Emma gasped as Regina slid her hand beneath her bodice and cupped her bare breast.

"Oh God," she cried out as Regina fondled her.

Regina released the fastenings holding Emma's bodice. She gazed at her uncovered breasts in the moonlight before gently sucking on each nipple.

"Regina?" Emma gulped out.

"Yes?"

"I think I would like to be fucked at the ball now."

Regina twirled them towards the bed in the room. She landed them gently as they both laughed.

"Way better than a fairy landing," Regina smiled with a self-satisfied tone.

"What?" Emma was confused.

She did not get an answer as Regina expertly removed the rest of her gown and slid her hands up and down her naked flesh.

"Regina!" Emma could barely form her name.

"What is it?" Regina eyed her seductively.

"I'm new at the princess thing. I don't think I can get you out of that gown."

"Oh," Regina looked down at her dress. "Use your magic!"

"You're really going to make me practice right about now?"

"A good teacher recognizes a teachable moment," Regina replied haughtily.

Emma closed her eyes. When she opened them, Regina lay naked before her.

"I did it!" she proclaimed proudly.

"You did indeed," Regina sighed.

"This just doesn't get old," Emma smiled as she eyed her up and down.

"Using your magic?"

"No. Looking at you."

No more words were spoken as their legs intertwined and they began to make love. Time lost all meaning.

"This feels different," Emma finally managed, as they lay exhausted. "I mean, before, we were like sucking, licking, fucking, and that was great, don't get me wrong, but this was like, like…"

"Like what?" Regina gazed at her expectantly.

"Like love or something, I guess. But not in a way I've ever experienced it before. It feels really good. Don't you think so?"

"It's amazing," Regina's eyes were filled with affection. "You're amazing."

"I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose…"

A church bell began to chime in the distance. It then counted off the hours: one, two, three…

"Is that for us?" Emma asked.

"Yes."

"There's so much I want to tell you!"

Four, five, six…

"So much I haven't said!"

Seven, eight, nine…

Regina began to fade.

"Regina! Come back!"

Ten, eleven, _twelve…_

/

Emma jolted upright in the cage.

"Is there a problem, dearie?"

She felt herself to make sure she was clothed.

"Church bells," she blurted out.

"What of them?" Gold inquired.

"I used to love church bells," she sighed. "So beautiful, so comforting."

"_Ding dong the witch is dead!"_ Gold stated merrily.

"I was with Regina! How long have I been gone?"

"You've gone nowhere. Important to remember next time you call me crazy is."

"Great," Emma sighed, "We're back to Yoda speak."

"You're in the vortex of magic, dearie: Regina, Zelana, me. Who can say what is real?"

"No. I was with Regina! It was real!"

"Relative, time and space are. Who can say, hmmm?"

"Interesting," Zelena's voice came from the shadows.

Emma shook her head. "Fuck this."

/

"So you think true love is not ordained?" Tinkerbell queried Mulan.

"That it comes by order or decree? No. True love happens naturally. For example, two people may be thrust together for disparate reasons and find that they care about each other, that they love each other."

"That just doesn't happen in real life," Tinkerbell shook her head. "All true love is decreed by fairies, fairy dust and spells!"

Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by a car horn honking in the garage. Both women jumped up to see what was the matter. As they ran outside, David, Mary Margaret and Killian were making their way up the driveway.

"What's going on here?" David demanded.

"There is a loud noise emanating from the garage," Mulan informed. "I think we should investigate."

"Right!" David spoke in a commanding voice as Hook rolled his eyes.

As they proceeded into the garage, they found Regina, passed out, with her head upon the horn of Emma's car. David opened the door as Regina fell into his arms.

"Is she okay?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Bells," Regina mumbled.

"Regina!" Mary Margaret called out with concern as she gently shook her shoulder.

Regina opened her eyes.

"I know where Emma is."


	6. Chapter 6

"Where is Emma?" David asked anxiously.

"In Zelena"s storm cellar with Gold," Regina rubbed her head as she replied.

"Now, wait a minute," Killian interjected. "You said she'd have to be a moron to take her there!"

"Can I help it if my sister is dumb?" Regina eyed him with disdain.

"Dumb, but powerful, right?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Precisely," Regina answered. "We need to get over there."

"Has it occurred to any of you that this may be a trap?" David ventured.

"Of course it's a trap!" Regina was irritated. "That's why I've got to get over there!"

"You're not making any sense, Regina," Mary Margaret added.

"The trap is for her. Emma and I have it all worked out."

Mary Margaret nodded in the affirmative. "I knew you would."

"Let's go then," David said. "I'll follow you in my truck."

"No. I'm going to get there faster," Regina stated. "David, grab that bucket!"

She nodded towards a bucket in the corner of the garage. As he picked it up, Regina took his hand and disappeared with him into a cloud of purple smoke.

"Well, that was unexpected," Killian's eyebrows rose.

"C'mon," Mary Margaret commanded. "We'll take the truck. Mulan, Tinkerbell… you coming?"

"You have my sword!" Mulan declared.

"Wouldn't miss this for the world," Tinkerbell smiled excitedly.

/

Regina appeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

"Regina!" Emma shouted as she clutched the cage bars.

Regina gave her a knowing look as she surveyed the room.

"Is she here?" she asked.

"Hard to say, dearie," Gold responded. "Time and space relative are, hmmm?"

"Shut up, Gold!" Regina and Emma replied in tandem.

Regina was suddenly jolted across the room by a shock of green light. As she hit the wall, she fell, unconscious, to the floor.

"That's it!" Emma exclaimed.

A gold light emanated from her as the cage disappeared.

"Now you've fucked with my girl!" she called out to Zelena.

She hit Zelena with a bolt of bright light. The witch bounced off the wall and stood up.

"Nice try, Golden Child," she snarled as she hit Emma back with a stream of green voltage.

Emma was jolted against the wall next to Regina, who was starting to come around.

"David," Regina breathed out as she saw him running down the stairs. "The bucket…"

David threw a bucket of water on Regina.

"Not me! The witch!" Regina was dumbfounded.

"Oh, um, I guess I misunderstood!" he offered.

"A bucket of water?!" Zelena cried out. "You people are monstrous!"

Regina and Emma joined hands. They focused their energy on Zelena. An immense ray of magic emanated from them. It held Zelena airborne as it drained all magic from her.

"Melting, melting," she wailed. "Who would've believed a couple of goody-two-shoes like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"

As she fell to the floor, devoid of all magic, David reappeared with another bucket of water, which he promptly dumped upon her.

"Overkill," the witch gurgled as she shrank into her dress.

"Hey, did I just get called a goody-two-shoes?" Emma looked at Regina quizzically.

"Hold on," Regina was adamant, "I'm not done with her, yet!"

She dragged the shrinking carcass of Zelena out of her dress.

"What were the ingredients for the memory curse?" she demanded.

"Snaps and snails and puppy dog tails," Zelena spit out.

"I already tried that," Regina grabbed her by the hair.

"All right then: two eye of newt, one half toe of frog, a quarter wool of bat, a quarter tongue of dog and a dash of fenny snake. Also, a little blood of your own."

Regina smacked herself in the head.

"My _own_ blood. Why didn't I think of that?"

"I don't have to tell you to blend this on low in a neutral medium, do I?" Zelena questioned as she began to lose consciousness.

"Of course not," Regina answered as she rolled her eyes.

"Oh," Zelena added with what seemed like her last breath, "I like to add a teaspoon of sugar to cut the bitterness."

"Yes, I use that trick often," Regina agreed. "Honey also works."

"I sometimes use organic blue agave nectar as a natural sweetener," Zelena revived again.

"Blue agave? Hmmm…" Regina pondered. "I hadn't thought of that!"

"It makes a great mixer with a Scotch," Zelena's voice drifted off as her eyes fluttered shut, "single malt."

"Enough with the cooking tips!" Emma grew irritated. "Die already!"

The sound of a sword being unsheathed could be heard as Mulan ran down the steps.

"Shall I run her through?" she offered.

"Yes!" Emma called out.

"No!" Regina said almost simultaneously. "Tinkerbell, do you have a 250 milliliter jar with tapered sides and no shoulders with a charmed cap seal that's talisman protected?"

"Duh," Tinkerbell shrugged. "What kind of fairy do you think I am?"

"Hand it over," Regina demanded as she held out her hand.

Tinkerbell reached into her bag and produced the jar. She placed it in Regina's hand.

"What are you doing, Regina?" Emma asked with trepidation.

"I've got her magic. It has to be stored and protected."

"Let's just kill her!" Emma's eyes grew wide.

"If you kill her while I possess her magic, I will die, too," Regina looked at her incredulously.

"Oh."

Regina placed the jar close to her mouth. A thick, green ooze emanated from her lips and was deposited in the jar. She quickly replaced the lid.

"Tinkerbell, now!" she stated anxiously.

Tinkerbell touched the lid as a light emanated from her hand.

"Sealed!" she announced proudly.

"That was fairly disgusting," Hook made an unpleasant face.

"I'm not sure there's enough mouthwash in the world," Emma looked queasy.

"What's going on down there?" Mary Margaret called from the top of the steps.

"Nothing!" they all replied as their stomachs turned.

"Nothing for a pregnant woman to see, at any rate, darling," David called up.

"I'll just go wait in the truck then, shall I?"

"Yes!" They all called up to her.

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Mary Margaret complained to herself as she waddled back to the truck.

"What are you going to do with that jar?" David queried.

"I have just the place for it," Regina answered.

"Or maybe you could give it to Robin Hood for safe keeping," Emma smirked.

"Maybe I will," Regina teased with a wicked smile.

"What about me?" Zelena jerked up suddenly.

"Now, we get to kill you!" Emma stated emphatically as Mulan placed the tip of her sword at the base of Zelena's neck.

Zelena's eyes filled with tears.

"But, Regina, we're sisters…" her voice trailed off.

"What do you want to do, Regina?" Mulan asked. "Just give the order!"

"Emma," Regina took the other woman's arm, "a word with you?"

"Well, okay," Emma relented. "Just don't breathe on me."

"Don't do anything until I return," Regina ordered as she headed up the steps with Emma.

"You're not going to tell me you want to let her live," Emma was adamant.

"I don't want to do anything rash," Regina stated. "We need time to see if the memory potion works."

"And then?" Emma's eyebrows arched.

"She _is_ family," Regina stated.

"You _cannot_ be serious!" Emma was livid.

"Look, I changed, shouldn't we give her the same chance?"

Mary Margaret looked up from her knitting in the truck. She called out the window.

"Hey, I can hear you guys, you know?"

"Well? What do you think, Mary Margaret" Regina called back.

"Regina's right, Emma. We have to give her a chance."

"Fuck this," Emma spat out.

"Language!" Mary Margaret gave her a motherly glare.

"Why didn't that bucket of water thing work?" Emma asked Regina angrily.

"We had already drained her power. She wasn't the witch anymore."

"Yeah, but she shrank and acted like she was dying," Emma protested.

"That was all in her head. No one ever said she was smart!" Regina smiled.

Emma couldn't help but smile back. Regina moved in for a kiss, but was blocked by Emma's hand in her face.

"I was serious about that mouthwash thing!"

"I'll settle for holding hands then," she replied as they joined hands and walked back down into the storm cellar.

Mary Margaret smiled and shook her head.

"Knit one, purl two."

"So, what's the verdict?" Hook asked.

"She lives," Emma sighed.

"Fine. I'll lock her up in the jail tonight!" David declared.

"No, David. That's not safe," Regina informed. "Until we get our memories back, we don't really know who's working with her and what they may do. She has to stay with us."

"It _is_ the best plan," Emma nodded her agreement. She turned to Gold. "Yoda, get your dagger and go see Belle. The poor girl's been suffering without you. _God only knows why" _she added under her breath.

Gold jumped up and took her hand.

"You have my gratitude," he looked into her eyes earnestly before bounding up the steps.

"Your vault, Regina?" Emma asked.

"No. Tinkerbell and I will go there and gather the necessary ingredients. The rest of you go back to David's. We'll meet you there."

/

Henry was sitting very close to Ariel on the couch.

"Show me how to blow-up the warehouse while decapitating the monsters again, Henry!" Ariel said excitedly as she fingered the video game controller.

"Okay," he sidled even closer to her, "it's like this."

Suddenly the door opened and Emma entered with Mary Margaret, David, Killian, Mulan and a bedraggled looking Zelena. Emma surveyed the two on the couch as Henry jumped up.

"Hi, Mom!" he squeaked out.

Emma eyed him.

"What's going on here?" she asked suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing," Henry stammered nervously. "I'm just teaching Ariel how to play video games."

"So, what did you do today?" Emma queried further.

"Oh it was great!" Ariel offered without looking up from the game. "We went swimming, took a walk in the woods, came back here and made hot chocolate! Lovely!"

"You went swimming?!" Emma blurted out astonished. "It's freezing out!"

"Ariel went swimming," Henry explained. "I, um, watched."

"I'll bet you did," Emma shook her head at him reproachfully.

"Hey," Ariel called out. "How come no one ever told me about gaming before? This is great fun!"

"Ariel," Emma said, "thanks for watching Henry. I really appreciate it. But, we're back now."

"Okay. Just one more minute," Ariel continued to work the controller. "I'm about to make the next level!"

"Ariel?" Emma tried to get her attention.

"Die, Motherfucka's!" Ariel screamed. She turned to Henry. "Did I say it right that time?"

"Oh, you said it _just_ right," Emma shook her head at Henry. "And this lesson is over."

"Oh," Ariel sighed sadly as she placed the controller on the table. It was then that she glanced around and noticed Zelena.

"Oh!" she gasped. "I must be going! We'll do it again sometime okay, Henry?"

She kissed him on the head hurriedly as she rushed out the door.

"You ruin all my fun, Mom," Henry pouted.

"We'll discuss this later, young man," Emma gave her best Mary Margaret impression.

Henry gestured towards a bound and gagged Zelena.

"What's _she_ doing here? Shouldn't you have turned her over to the police by now?"

"I'm the police in this town, Henry," David volunteered. "Pay no attention to the woman in the corner."

"It's too late, David. He's already seen her," Mary Margaret took his arm gently.

"So that's why we're here? To catch her?" Henry asked.

"As a matter of fact, kid" Emma nodded in the affirmative.

"So, I guess that means we're going home now," Henry said dejectedly. "It was just getting fun here."

At that moment, Regina and Tinkerbell burst through the door.

"Got it!" Regina said triumphantly. "Everything we need to reverse the…"

She looked at Henry and became silent.

"Two eye of newt, one half toe of frog, a quarter wool of bat, a quarter tongue of dog and a dash of fenny snake," Tinkerbelle blurted out. "All we need now is Regina's blood!"

"I want to see!" Henry exclaimed.

"No you don't!" both Regina and Emma yelled as Regina gave Tinkerbell an incredulous look.

"What?" Tinkerbell shrugged.

"Henry," Regina turned to him gently, "my friend, Tinkerbell here, has a strange sense of humor. I just brought over some ingredients to make mixed drinks in celebration of your mother's success in tracking down this criminal." She nodded to Zelena.

"Her name is _Tinkerbell?_ Whatever…" Henry sighed as he went back to the couch and picked up the controller.

"Well," Emma whispered to the others, "at least that will keep him distracted."

"Let's get this over with," David shook his head.

Regina began mixing the ingredients in the kitchen. Toes were whacked. Tongues were hacked. The blender whirled. Finally she took a kitchen knife and pricked her finger. Everyone watched as she dramatically dripped her own blood into the concoction.

"I can't believe you guys are going to drink that stuff," Emma grimaced.

"You already drank it, remember?" Regina arched a brow.

"So… I drank your blood," Emma pondered. "Not sure how I feel about this. I'm gonna' need time to process."

"Didn't she mention something about single malt Scotch?" Hook reminded.

"She did!" Tinkerbell brightened.

"Oh, we don't have anything like that here," Mary Margaret smiled sweetly.

"As a matter of fact," David started nervously, "we do."

"David?" Mary Margaret eyed him curiously.

"I just keep a little around for extra courage."

"David!" Mary Margaret was surprised.

"Well, it's for a good cause, I suppose," she relented. "But just ginger ale in mine," she patted her belly.

David smiled as he retrieved the Scotch. Glasses were filled with a combination of the concoction and the single malt. No one drank.

"Somebody's gotta' go first!" Tinkerbell pointed out.

"Are you volunteering, love?" Killian lifted an eyebrow and smirked at her.

"Shut up, bitch," Tinkerbell snarled back at him.

"Before anyone drinks," Regina cautioned, "let me have a word with my sister. This stuff could give us our memories back, or…"

"Kill us all," Mulan interjected.

"Thanks for the clarity, Mulan," Mary Margaret lifted her glass.

"Maybe we should get a test subject," Tinkerbelle proposed. "Like that fat guy who'll drink anything."

"Leroy?" they all questioned.

"Yeah, him."

"That would not be right, Tinkerbell," Mary Margaret gazed at her sternly. "Besides, he and the other dwarves collect fairy dust for you guys."

"Really? I've never seen him working at anything. He seems pretty useless. And if anyone could survive, it's him," she shrugged. "I'm just sayin'."

"Actually, not a half bad idea," Killian agreed.

"If we're going to use a test subject, I think it should be Dr. Whale," Regina chimed in.

"Regina!" Emma and Mary Margaret chastised her.

"What?" Regina protested. "He's an asshole. You all hate him! He was trying to reanimate dead flesh, for crying out loud!"

"No! There will be no test subjects!" Mary Margaret stated unequivocally.

"All right then. Just let me get the truth out of Zelena," Regina reiterated.

They all followed her over as she ripped the tape off Zelena's mouth.

"If this potion does anything but restore our memories, I'll let them kill you. Are we clear about that?" Regina threatened her.

"How will you remember?" Zelena sneered. "Especially if your dead!"

Regina backhanded her across the face as the others gasped. Unnoticed by anyone, Henry got up off the couch to watch.

"Tell me the truth," Regina's hand rose as a purple light emanated from it. It looked as though Zelena's face was melting.

"Whoa!" Henry whispered to himself.

"Stop!" Zelena cried out. "All right! I'll tell you the truth!"

"Which is?" Regina's eyes narrowed as she bore a hole through her with her gaze.

"The potion will work," Zelena exhaled wearily. "It will restore your memories."

"Regina?" Emma put her hand on her shoulder.

"She's telling the truth… I think. Let me try something else."

She turned back to Zelena.

"_Why_ did you do this to us?"

"I was jealous of you. You had it all! I literally turned green with envy in that hellhole you call the Enchanted Forest. I didn't like being green."

"That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard for turning evil!" Regina leered at her.

"Stupider than turning evil because a child betrayed your secret?" Zelena shot back.

"Oh," Regina was taken off guard. She turned to Mary Margaret.

"Snow, I'm so sorry," she eyed her earnestly.

"That's okay, Regina. After all, I did trick you into killing your own mother."

Henry stood behind them in disbelief. _This is epically weird!_ He took a glass off the counter and began to drink. Emma turned around in time to see him.

"Henry! No!" she hollered.

The others were startled and screamed as they watched Henry down a shot of the potion. There was a sudden silence in the room. Henry's eyes glassed over, as he turned white as a ghost. He seemed to wobble on his feet.

"Mom?" he muttered pitifully.

"I'm here Henry!" Emma ran to him.

He walked right by her.

"Mom?" he looked at Regina as tears filled his eyes.

"Henry?" she gazed back at him astonished. "You remember me?"

"Mom!" he began crying as he fell into her arms. Regina broke down in tears as she gathered him in a deep embrace.

"Where were you?" he sobbed.

"I'm here now, sweetheart!"

"I missed you so much," he cried. "I didn't remember, but I missed you. The extra placemat I wanted on the table… it was you."

"I love you, Henry," Regina held him tight. "More than words can say."

All eyes were moist as they watched the tender mother-son reunion. Killian hid his face from the others as he brushed back a tear.

"What's with all the waterworks," Zelena sighed sardonically. "I told you it would work."

"Hey," Tinkerbell shouted, "it worked!"

"Bottoms up then, eh mates?" Hook recovered his jaunty persona.

Regina took Henry's face in her hands as she laid her forehead upon his.

"I think we should drink then, right everyone?" she smiled.

Regina, Mary Margaret, David, Tinkerbelle and Mulan all took their glasses from the kitchen counter and raised them in a toast.

"To?" Mary Margaret asked cheerily.

"Absent friends," Regina proposed.

"And on that note," Killian interrupted, "I think I should make myself scarce."

"Why?" Emma asked.

"I have my memories, love, as do you. No need for us to down this swill!"

"But, I'm not afraid to be here. Why do _you_ want to leave?"

"No reason, really," Hook said as he poured two straight shots of Scotch and handed one to Emma. "But my experience with these Enchanted Forest folk is that you don't want to be around when they start drinking stuff and remembering things. Tends to get messy!"

"Absent friends," Emma raised her glass.

They all downed their drinks. Mary Margaret, David, Mulan, Tinkerbell and Regina's eyes grew wide as they looked from one to the other.

"Oh shit."

"Guess they're not in Kansas anymore," Zelena smirked.


	7. Chapter 7

_Part 1: Explaining to Emma:_

Regina, Mary Margaret, David, Mulan and Tinkerbell all looked at each other with unease.

"The Quim Party," someone muttered in a hushed tone.

All at once, they avoided each other's gaze.

"The Quim Party," Tinkerbell elbowed Regina and gave her a sly smile.

Regina did not make eye contact as she smiled back discreetly.

Mulan shook her head, poured herself a shot of Scotch, and downed it in one gulp.

Mary Margaret and David still hadn't looked up.

"Okay," Emma asked loudly, "What in the hell is a _Quim Party?"_

"Well, you've heard of a ball, haven't you sweetheart?" David asked.

"Um… duh," Emma looked at him quizzically.

"It was like that, only different," Regina added quickly.

"Why are you all acting so funny?" Emma persisted.

"I warned you about this bunch when they start drinking," Hook whispered to Emma.

"It was your idea, Regina," Mary Margaret stated.

"Everything is always my idea, deal with it," Regina declared.

She glanced at Tinkerbell who was still grinning. "And wipe that smile off your face, Tink!"

"So, we're back to Tink now, are we," Tinkerbell winked at Regina.

"Alright, that's it!" Emma had lost her patience as she grabbed Tinkerbell by the elbow and moved her away from Regina. "Somebody better start explaining!"

"Your girlfriend here put on quite the extravaganza," Tink smirked at Regina.

"After which, she burned down the Enchanted Forest," Mulan added.

"You're engaging in hyperbole," Regina protested. "It wasn't the whole of the Enchanted Forest, just the things made of wood."

"Like the trees and the houses," Mulan continued.

"It was an unfortunate accident," Regina defended herself.

"I could give a rat's ass about the Enchanted Forest!" Emma was getting more irritated. "What in the hell is a _quim_?"

Silence.

Hook cleared his throat. "A little overdue with that father-daughter talk, eh David?"

"You're not helping, Killian," Mary Margaret admonished.

"Well?" Emma crossed her arms and began tapping her foot.

"It's a pussy!" Tink blurted out.

Emma's eyes grew wide as she turned to Regina.

"You had a Pussy Party?!" she was incredulous.

"And then she burned down the Enchanted Forest," Mulan informed.

"I don't seem to remember _you_ complaining at the time, Mulan," Regina arched her eyebrows.

Mulan downed another shot before staring guiltily at the floor.

"Mom?" Henry asked.

"Yes?" both Regina and Emma replied.

"What's going on?"

"We're just getting our memories back, sweetheart," Regina offered. "We're trying to piece together what happened."

Emma rolled her eyes.

"What was in the memory drink I had? I feel kind of dizzy," he complained.

"Do you want to lie down, Henry?" Emma asked.

"I think so," he replied. "I don't understand anything that's happening anyway."

He looked at Regina. "Except, I got my Mom back."

He wrapped his arms around her.

Regina kissed the top of his head. "C'mon. Time to go to bed."

As Regina and Emma tucked Henry in, he looked up at them.

"Promise me you'll both be here tomorrow," he said.

"I promise," Regina smiled as she kissed him goodnight.

"Me too, kid," Emma squeezed his hand.

As Henry's eyes fluttered shut, Emma grasped Regina's arm and pulled her angrily back into the kitchen.

"You had a _Pussy Party?"_ Emma was livid.

"Yep," Mulan hiccupped.

Everyone, but Mary Margaret, now had a drink in their hand.

"You weren't there," Regina protested. "It was nothing more than a series of unfortunate events, really."

"Oh please, enlighten me," Emma was sarcastic.

"We had just defeated Greenie over there," she nodded to Zelena.

"Or so you thought," Zelena interrupted.

"Shut up," Regina scowled at her before continuing. "It was time for a celebration. I invited the entire kingdom to the palace. When I sent the invitation to the engraver, my note said _Queen Party._ Unfortunately, something was spilled on it and he thought it said _Quim Party._ At least… that was his story."

"He probably knew what a sick-fuck you are and thought you did it on purpose," Tink interjected.

"So _anyway_," Regina shot her a look, "I thought, _why not go with it_? I mean, we call parties _a ball,_ right?"

"Only _you_ would think of something like that," David shook his head.

"So, I did a theme: sea shells, oysters, pears, warm apple pie, red canna, black iris, calla lilies…"

"I get the picture," Emma's face began to flush. "Mom? Dad? You went to this party?"

"We thought it was a typo on the invitation, dear," Mary Margaret explained. "We had no idea Regina would deck the palace out with erotic statues, flowers, food and a body temperature, room-sized pool!"

"Where was I? Why wasn't I invited to this party?" Hook questioned anxiously.

"I guess someone spiked the drinks with a love potion or something," David ignored him.

"Not someone," Tink interrupted, "It was your true love, Robin Hood, and his pervert Merry Men!"

"Oh God," Emma put her hand to her head.

"You saw this, Tink?!" Regina asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was having a good time," she gave Regina a wanton look.

"You better watch yourself," Emma warned.

"The pool…" Tink was undeterred as she sighed. "The pool was the best, remember Regina? Remember, Mulan?"

Mulan laid her head in her hand as she grimaced. Emma was apoplectic.

"Tinkerbell _and_ Mulan? Anyone else?"

"Oh, she was doing it with everyone," Tink began.

"Shut up, Tink," Regina flashed at her as she nodded towards Emma.

"All the princesses, the royal huntsman, the royal guard, the serving girls," Tinkerbell continued, "and didn't you have a sex sandwich with your true love, Robin, and Granny?"

"I deny that allegation and stop calling him that! He _is not_ my true love. Don't believe it, Emma! Besides, he was going at it with his Merry Men!"

"No, honey. That was Will Scarlett, I remember," Tink informed.

"And I wasn't invited because…?" Hook looked crushed.

"Anyway, Regina," Tink went on, "you fucked every prince in the palace. I mean, except for David. He was getting busy with his wife."

"I can't hear anymore," Emma sat down on a counter stool.

"It's not like it sounds," David put his hand on her shoulder.

"Really?" Emma stared at him disbelievingly. "Because it sounds like my parents had sex in a pool in front of the entire town!"

"It _was_ warm and buoyant," Mary Margaret offered apologetically.

"I _did not_ have sex with all those people," Regina insisted adamantly. "It was more of a communal grope thing…" her voice trailed off.

"Oh, well that makes it better," Emma rolled her eyes.

"You had sex with me," Mulan shook her head as she raised her glass.

"Yes, well… look at you dear," Regina conceded. "One can hardly blame me for that."

"OMG," Mulan groaned, "I was saving myself for…"

"And then Regina let the dragon out," Tink rambled on, "who scorched the entire forest!"

"In my defense, I just wanted to warm the hot baths outside," Regina offered.

"I guess that's when Greenie over there escaped," Tink nodded towards Zelena.

"I resent that nomenclature!" Zelena huffed.

"So why the memory spell, anyway?" Regina questioned her.

"You had me locked in your dungeon with a raging orgy going on and a magical view screen so I would have to watch the whole damn thing! Who in their right mind would want to remember that? You should be thanking me! I only wish my spell had worked on myself, as well!"

"She's got a point," Mary Margaret nodded.

"I wish I could take my brain out and wash it!" Zelena went on.

"Enough! I wanted you to see what a good time we were having," Regina sneered.

"_Sick fuck_…" Tinkerbell said in a sing-songy voice.

"It wasn't supposed to be an orgy," Regina rolled her eyes. "Just a relaxing celebration with slightly erotic overtones in the decorations and food. I wanted to show Greenie…"

"Hey! Language!" Zelena protested.

"I just wanted to show you how regular people have fun without it being at the expense of others," Regina turned to her.

"Good job, sister," Zelena smirked.

"I need to get to Aurora," Mulan slurred. "Emma, can I take your car?"

"Hell no, Mulan! You've been drinking."

"You let Regina drive it," Mulan protested.

"I didn't _let_ her, she took it!" Emma glowered at Regina.

"I'll drive you where you want to go," Mary Margaret offered sweetly.

/

_Part 2: Explaining to Aurora_

Mary Margaret drove Mulan to Robin's house, only to find that Aurora wasn't there. They proceeded to Aurora's cabin where they found Robin faithfully guarding her.

"I thought you were going to bring her to our house," Mulan looked at him quizzically.

"Better for the child for me to be here," he informed. "But, now, you're back! I'll take my leave."

"Thank you, Robin," Mulan grasped his arm before entering.

"Mulan!" Aurora called out excitedly as she ran up to hug her.

"I thought you'd be at my house," Mulan said.

"Yes. Robin mentioned that," Aurora nodded. "But then he said something about it being easier to come here than to clean the bathroom."

"He's probably right," Mulan shook her head. "That place is a mess: a bunch of men making merry."

"So," Aurora stated eagerly, "you went after the wicked witch?"

"We did," Mulan acknowledged.

"Did you get her?"

"We did," Mulan replied as she began to wobble slightly.

"Oh, what am I thinking?" Aurora apologized. "You must be exhausted. Let me help you with your armor."

She gently released the clasp on Mulan's neckpiece and then helped her lift the breastplate over her head.

"Much better, thank you," Mulan sighed.

"Sit down, Mulan," Aurora suggested. "Or do you want to see the baby? She's sleeping."

"I would love to see her," Mulan responded.

They walked over to the crib. Mulan peered down at the child.

"She's so beautiful," she smiled. "Just like her mother."

Aurora slipped her hand into Mulan's as they gazed at the little girl together.

"Let's go sit on the couch," Aurora whispered, "You can tell me all about your day."

"I have something for you," Mulan said as they sat together. "A memory potion."

Aurora looked at her in shock.

"So, I will be able to remember then?"

"I have to warn you, it will be difficult," Mulan pronounced solemnly.

"I have to know the truth!" Aurora declared.

She drank the potion. Tears streamed down her face.

"Phillip," she cried softly.

"He is gone," Mulan stated stoically. "He passed into death the night of…"

"The Quim Party!" Aurora realized. "I remember! He was with me in the nursery in the castle. He told me his time was always limited and that he had escaped the mark of the wraith knowing that his time with me would be short. He kissed me and…"

Aurora fell silent.

"His fate is better, now," Mulan comforted. "He is not in the shadow zone of the wraiths."

Aurora placed her head on Mulan's shoulder and sobbed quietly.

"I miss him, too," Mulan offered as she placed a protective arm around her. "He was my Captain."

"I lost all track of you that night of the fire," Aurora sniffled. "Where did you go?"

"I was, um, with Regina and her people."

"It must've been hell for you."

Mulan did not answer. She held Aurora tighter as she kissed her head and allowed a slight trace of a smile to cross her lips before recovering herself.

"It was."

/

_Part 3: Explaining to Henry_

Henry woke up and immediately checked his surroundings. Yes. Still here in his grandparent's house. It wasn't a dream! But, where was his mother?

"Mom?" he cried out.

"I'm right here," Emma ran over.

"No. I meant my other Mom. She promised to be here!"

"She's coming over soon," Emma explained.

"I've made breakfast!" Mary Margaret chirped cheerily.

"C'mon, partner," David took his hand. "Let's grab some food!"

As they sat down to eat, Henry had some questions.

"So, my Mom sacrificed everything for our happiness?"

"She did, indeed," Mary Margaret answered.

"And you guys are friends now?"

"We're working on it," she smiled pleasantly. "I owe her a lot."

"And Mom," he turned to Emma. "I saw you guys kissing yesterday. What was that all about?"

"Um… kinda' hard to explain," Emma began as David arched his eyebrows. "We're still working on that, too."

Regina entered without knocking.

"I got up early and made apple turnovers!" she exclaimed proudly.

"I love apple turnovers!" Henry smiled.

"I know, dear," Regina returned his affectionate gaze.

"My grandson was just asking about why you were kissing my daughter," David interjected.

As Mary Margaret stomped on his foot, Regina did not skip a beat.

"Because I love her!"

She turned to Mary Margaret and whispered, "Did I just say that out loud?"

Mary Margaret smiled warmly at her and nodded.

"Really?" Henry asked amazed.

"Really," Regina reassured as she walked over to Emma and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Emma did not respond.

"That's great!" Henry exclaimed as he hugged them both. "I always wanted my Moms to be together!"

Mary Margaret gave David a knowing glance.

"All right, then," David conceded. "I'm surrounded. She just better do right by my daughter!"

"Hey!" Emma complained. "Do I get a say in this?"

"No!" Regina and Mary Margaret said together before they turned to each other and exchanged a slight grin.

"We've got some decisions to make," Mary Margaret declared.

"Like how to tell the town about the Quim Party and their homes being burned to the ground?" David added sardonically.

"That's something I didn't understand last night," Henry looked at them questioningly. "What is a _quim?"_

"Don't ask, kid," Emma shook her head. "I wish I hadn't."

"We have to brew enough potion for all of them," Mary Margaret said.

Zelena began to squirm in the corner.

"What is it now?" Regina asked in an irritated voice as she removed the tape from her mouth.

"I would like some breakfast," Zelena stated haughtily. "Eggs and tea and one or two of those turnovers would be nice."

"You can quit acting all high and mighty," Regina informed. "From now on you're simply Almira Gulch from Kansas."

"Almira," Zelena uttered disdainfully.

"Hey, I don't make the rules," Regina shot back. "I've seen the movie. _I_ certainly didn't park the bike with the Toto-sized basket outside your house! That's who you are, right?"

"Well, technically, I suppose."

"Accept it or stay bound and gagged!"

"Couldn't we go with a nickname, Sis? Like Allie or something?"

"Whatever," Regina shrugged.

Allie licked her lips.

"I _am_ hungry," she muttered.

"David," Regina directed, "untie her."

"Are you sure?" he questioned apprehensively.

"I'm sure," Regina smirked. "She's got no power here."

David untied Almira. She slunk humbly to the counter and began eating the food Mary Margaret placed before her.

"How are we going to get the memory potion to all the people?" David questioned.

"We could drop it in the water supply," Regina suggested.

"No," Mary Margaret stated emphatically. "We have to let them know what's going on. We can't just surprise them with it."

"Not another town hall meeting," Regina complained. "Those things just don't turn out well for me."

"It's the only way," Mary Margaret shook her head resolutely.

/

_Part 4: Explaining to the Town_

"God, I'm sick of these town meetings," Granny bitched.

She turned to Ruby.

"But you're recording this at home, just in case?" she whispered.

"You know it, Granny," Ruby affirmed.

"I don't care what they say," Belle took Gold's arm in her own. "So long as I have you."

He smiled appreciatively before stating: "Let's just hear them out, dear."

Aurora and Mulan sat together with the baby. They eyed those around them with apprehension.

"This better be good, or Regina's going down!" Whale sneered under his breath to Archie.

"I think she may surprise you," Archie smiled.

"We are here tonight with amazing news!" Mary Margaret began. "We have found a way to break the memory curse!"

The room buzzed with excitement.

"Um, calm down everyone," Emma restored order. "That's the good news. The bad news is that the Enchanted Forest has been burned down and you have no home to return to."

"Way to couch it delicately!" Regina whispered as she elbowed her.

"Regina!" everyone clamored.

"Now wait a minute," Regina defended herself. "It wasn't the _entire_ Enchanted Forest! Just things made of wood like those silly old trees and your pathetic hovels!"

"You're not making this better, Regina," Mary Margaret spoke out of the side of her mouth.

"It was nothing more than an unfortunate accident!" Regina continued.

"I say we get torches and burn the bitch!" Dr. Whale shouted. "Like in the old days!"

"Regina needs to pay!" many in the throng began to murmur.

"Hold on," Gold stood up as the crowd cowered in fear. "We need to hear them out. I, for one, am interested in what they have to say."

With the mob quieted, Mary Margaret continued.

"When you drink the memory potion, all will be explained. We've mixed it with Kool-Aid to cut the bitterness!"

"Shit. I'm down," Ruby shrugged.

"Kool-Aid… what could go wrong?" Archie smiled reassuringly.

Emma shook her head ironically as the crowd drank the Kool-Aid.

Slowly, muted voices could be heard whispering: _"The Quim Party… the dragon… the pool… I wanted those hot tubs warmed up, too… "_

People glanced at each other with alternate looks of guilt and pleasure. Finally Ruby stood up.

"The Quim Party rocked, Regina!"

"Thank you, Ruby," Regina acknowledged in a dignified manner.

"But what's _she_ doing here?" Leroy pointed at the witch.

"Ding, dong, etc." Almira replied. "I am no longer wicked, at least not in that sense. I am merely Regina's half sister, Allie, from Kansas."

"Kansas, eh? That explains her accent," Granny nodded as the crowd assented.

"She's harmless now," Regina informed.

"Well, I don't trust her, all the same," Leroy spat out.

"Trust takes time," Regina looked at Emma, who looked away.

"I'll have a huge barbeque at my house on Saturday to celebrate our memories being restored!" Regina announced.

The crowd gasped.

"What?" Regina looked dumbfounded.

"You burned down the Enchanted Forest and you want to have a barbeque at your house?" Granny looked at her incredulously.

"Oh," Regina put her hand to her mouth. "Right."

She thought for a moment.

"I promise not to burn down Storybrooke. Plus, I'll work on a spell that un-enchants this place so we can all stay here but be free to come and go as we please! I mean, who wouldn't rather be here than that dreary, old EF with its ogres, trolls, rancid mead and such?"

"I _do_ like the Internet," Belle nodded.

"Me too," Archie agreed.

"I like gas kitchens," Granny chimed in, "and DVRs."

"I like Cinemax, e-cigs and jello-shots," Ruby added.

"There is a good assortment of drink here," Leroy acknowledged. "And I have to know what the Kardashians will do next!"

"Right?" Ruby agreed.

"Climate change is a legitimate concern in this world," Gold lamented. No one heard him.

"I like video games!" Ariel enthused.

"I like cars," Mulan nodded.

"I'm still not caught up on _Breaking Bad_," Whale rubbed his chin. "I couldn't leave before I see the end."

"I like how they fantasize about us in books, movies and television in this realm," Tinkerbell said dreamily.

"Then it's settled!" Regina proclaimed. "We stay! BBQ at my house this Saturday!"

"Will there be an assortment of alcoholic beverages at this barbeque?" Leroy questioned.

"Of course."

"But no, um, quim decorations, or flowers or food, right Regina?" Mary Margaret queried.

"No. Just good, old fashioned American blandness!" she promised.

"Like if you were from Kansas?" Almira questioned curiously.

"Precisely," Regina nodded.

"What's a quim?" Henry shook his head.

/

_Part 5: Re-explaining to Emma:_

Emma and Regina sat on a bench by the town lake. A fountain spouted water up from an island in the middle. Henry sailed an automated boat with Hook and Ariel.

"You cannot be angry with me, Emma," Regina said. "We were all drugged when we had sex and burned down the Enchanted Forest."

"I know that. But it's hard."

"What's hard?"

"I dunno'. I've never had true love before, I guess, like we had in that magic dream world place. Somehow, it doesn't feel right when, all at once, the one person you thought you were meant to be with turns out to be someone who had sex with just about everyone in town."

"I didn't!" Regina protested. "I only had a few girls and one or two guys. It didn't mean anything, Emma."

"I know… but still. You had your memories. You remembered me and you did it anyway... the whole Pussy Party thing."

"I thought I'd never see you again! Was I supposed to become a nun?"

"No, but…" Emma was still struggling. "I mean… you fucked Granny."

"I did _not_ fuck Granny. Tink is full of shit! She probably fucked Granny herself and invented a memory of me doing it!"

"See, and you're calling her _Tink_ all of a sudden."

"Geezus, Emma, what can I do to make this better? You know how inclined I am towards… physicality. Drugs only exacerbated the issue."

"Yeah, I guess."

"We didn't have anything like a committed relationship at that time," Regina reminded. "I mean, we left things very open-ended."

"I know."

"And you were doing the flying monkey sex thing."

"But, that was different… I didn't remember you," she waved her hand at the town, "or this!"

"I was just trying to lighten the mood in the EF. I had no idea I would ever see you again, and besides… _I_ didn't spike the punch!" Regina sighed.

"I didn't know that I would fall so hard for you this time…" she spoke almost to herself as her voice trailed off.

There was a silence, as Emma seemed to soften somewhat.

"I wish I knew how to fix this," she finally continued.

Regina thought for a moment. She got down on one knee before the woman she loved. She took Emma's hand in her own and kissed it.

"I love you with all my heart. You are my moon and stars, my rising sun."

"Regina!" Emma's eyes grew wide. "What are you doing?"

"I'm no good at this kind of thing," Regina shook her head, embarrassed.

"No. You're doing great!" Emma encouraged.

Regina brightened.

"If you'll still have me, Emma Swan, will you…"

Just then a body hurtled down from the sky and landed in the lake. Both women were startled.

"What the fuck?"

A grubby, wet form crawled up from the water and coughed up mud.

"Hello, Emma, my love."

"Walsh?"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This is the last chapter. I wanted to finish this story without another teaser ending and make sure I tied up the loose ends, so it's twice as long as the other chapters. Thanks for reading my cracked story. A special thanks to all who commented! I appreciated the encouragement (or were you my co-enablers?)!**

"This is Walsh?" Regina jumped up. "The flying monkey you were fucking?"

"Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs from Omaha: at your service, ma'am" Walsh bowed.

"No, wait… what?" Emma was completely confused.

"My real name, Emma," he smiled.

"You _cannot_ be serious," Regina rolled her eyes. "You're taste in men, Emma, really! And enough with the Midwest already! I'm about to wish some people into the cornfield!"

"Um, Regina," Emma looked at her skeptically, "you hardly have room to talk."

"Wow, Emma," Regina shook her head, "just wow."

"I'm so sorry I was a beast when last we met," Walsh offered.

"Yeah, literally," Emma eyed him. "What should I call you now?"

"Oz will do," he sat beside her. "I was hoping we could pick up where we left off? There was a proposal on the table."

Emma frowned as she shook her head.

"I think things might have changed a little. Regina?"

"Walsh!" Henry ran up unexpectedly. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I might drop in!" he replied cheerfully.

"I was worried about you," Henry continued. "I found out you were one of the Wicked Witch's flying monkeys and my Mom zapped a lot of them!"

"Unfortunate," Oz pondered. "Emma, you have come into your powers?"

"I _do_ have powers," Emma confirmed. "But I wasn't the one who sparked the monkeys."

"No," Henry confirmed as he looked at Regina. "That was my other Mom."

Oz gazed at her.

"Yep. I'm his Mom, too."

He turned to Henry.

"So, you have two Mommies, then?"

"It's great, Walsh!" Henry replied enthusiastically.

"Who is this scofflaw?" Hook came upon the scene. "Is he bothering you ladies? Shall I keelhaul him?"

"He's harmless," Emma shook her head.

Regina was working her phone.

"Hey guys, what's going on over here?" Ariel queried.

"The witch's magic is wearing off. We could have monkeys falling all over town. I'm tweeting out a warning."

She snapped a photo of Oz.

"I've got to get this out on Instagram and Facebook, too."

"_Really?_" Emma questioned.

"I _am_ the mayor. It's my civic duty!"

"Regina!" Emma demanded her attention.

"What?"

"We were having a conversation?" Emma lifted her brow.

"It was a _private_ conversation," Regina nodded at the people suddenly gathered around them.

Emma got a text.

"Shit! It's Mary Margaret," she said, "I forgot. I told her I'd help her with some last minute baby-prep."

"You go," Regina said, "I've got Henry!"

"Thanks, Regina!" Emma replied as she gathered her things and rushed off.

Regina took Henry's hand.

"Let's go get some ice cream," she smiled.

As they walked away, she turned and shot a look at Killian.

"Hook!"

"Regina?"

"Keelhaul this guy!"

"With pleasure," Hook sneered as he lifted Oz by the collar.

"Mom!" Henry called out.

"What?" Regina shrugged.

/

Emma finished the last minute shopping with Mary Margaret. They sat down for a cup of tea in the loft.

"Last time we had a drink here, it was pretty weird," Mary Margaret noted.

"Speaking of weird," Emma said, "I was at the lake with Regina. She got down on one knee, Mom… I think she was going to propose to me!"

"Why is that weird, honey? She loves you."

"Because I've been so nasty to her since I found out about the…"

"Let's not revisit that unpleasantness," Mary Margaret took a sip of tea. "You have to let that go, Emma. It had nothing to do with you."

"I know. But just tell me one thing: Did Regina do it with Granny?"

Mary Margaret almost spit out her tea.

"Don't be ridiculous! Granny was in the palace nursery with the children as I recall. Tinkerbell just likes to yank Regina's chain."

"Tinkerbell," Emma said derisively.

"Sweetheart?" Mary Margaret questioned. "Are you jealous?"

"No!" Emma shot back. She sighed as she relented. "Well, maybe… a little."

"Regina doesn't love Tinkerbell. She loves you."

"She has a funny way of showing it."

"Emma Louise Swan, quit being so stubborn!"

"Um, wait a minute, my middle name is Louise?"

"You need to patch things up with Regina," Mary Margaret ignored her question. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for her to get down on one knee before you? She doesn't deal well with emotions."

"Really? 'Cause she's shown enough of them to me!" Emma smirked.

"I mean tender feelings, Emma. It's not easy for her to take a chance like that. What did you say?"

"I didn't get a chance to say anything! She never finished. Walsh dropped out of the sky into the lake and the whole thing went south from there."

"How unfortunate," Mary Margaret shook her head. "Walsh was your boyfriend in New York, right?"

"Right. But he wants to be called Oz now."

"How odd," Mary Margaret uttered.

"Tell me about it," Emma nodded.

"What _would_ you have said if he hadn't shown up?" she continued.

"She was doing a really good job. She said I was her moon and stars; her rising sun."

"That's beautiful, Emma."

"I know, right? It made me feel so special, like I was the only one in the universe she could see."

"You two are so obviously meant for each other," Mary Margaret sighed. "True love will not be denied."

"I dunno'. We'll see."

"Don't wait, Emma. If you want her, go after her! You don't want to have any regrets."

"Yeah, but how? She can be such an asshole, you know?"

"You'll think of something," Mary Margaret smiled sweetly as she patted Emma's hand.

Suddenly, the look on her face changed as she put her hand to her belly.

"Emma! The baby's coming!"

/

Henry spent the night at Regina's house. It felt comforting to be back in his old room, surrounded by his things. He got up early and looked over his old possessions. There was a knock at the door.

"Henry?" Regina said softly as she poked her head in.

"It's okay, Mom. I'm up."

She sat down on the bed with him.

"How does it feel to be home?"

"It feels great. But, it's hard to believe that I've been gone for so long."

"Up until a couple days ago, I hadn't even realized a year had passed," Regina said.

"So, in that year Mom… nothing happened but that you burned down the Enchanted Forest?"

"Well, that _was_ what mattered to most people," Regina sighed.

"I'm glad, Mom. Now people can stop worrying about going back there and just focus on their lives here."

"I'm happy you feel that way, Henry," Regina stated appreciatively. "My sentiments, exactly."

"I mean, I'm sorry that people lost their houses and everything," he continued. "But, you can give them a good life here, can't you Mom?"

"I can and I will!" she pronounced firmly.

"So, um, at the lake… you were on one knee kissing my Mom's hand. Did you ask her to marry you?"

"My, what big eyes we have!" Regina smiled at him.

"Did you? It's okay, you know. We're already a family, but that would just kinda' make it official, right?"

"I didn't actually get around to it. Her friend from New York dropped in on us."

"You mean Walsh?"

"He goes by Oz, now."

"Oh," Henry scratched his head. "That's weird."

Regina rolled her eyes.

"Tell me about it."

"I'm pretty sure my Mom would rather marry you than him."

"That's reassuring. Thank you honey," Regina replied.

"You know, there was something else of significance that happened in our lost year," she put her arm around him.

"Yeah?"

"Congratulations, Henry! You have an uncle!"

"Mary Margaret had the baby?!" he exclaimed.

"Last night."

"Can we go see them?"

"I think we should. David and Emma brought them home this morning. Go get dressed!" she ruffled his hair before exiting the room.

Henry found her outside a few minutes later picking apples from her tree and placing them in a basket.

"That's a good idea," he noted. "Bringing apples."

"Your mother specifically requested them," Regina shrugged.

/

When they arrived at Mary Margaret and David's loft, Henry ran in eagerly.

"Where's the baby?" he shouted as Regina laid the basket of apples on the counter.

"Shhh!" everyone turned to him.

"The baby's sleeping," Emma informed quietly.

"Glad you could make it," she nodded to Regina.

"Can we see him?" Regina whispered.

"C'mere, you two," Mary Margaret called out softly.

"Oh, he's amazing!" Regina cooed.

"He's so tiny," Henry's eyes were wide as he touched the baby's hand.

"But his fingernails are perfect!" he marveled as the child reflexively opened his hand and closed his tiny fingers around Henry's.

"Can I kiss him?" he asked.

"Gently," Mary Margaret smiled. "Be careful not to wake him."

"So what are you going to call him?" Regina asked as Henry laid the softest of kisses upon the baby's head.

"Still haven't decided, yet," Mary Margaret informed. "But, I'm leaning towards Leopold."

Regina raised her eyebrows.

"I will pay you cash money not to name him that," she deadpanned.

"Hey, buddy," David tugged at Henry's shirt. "Your Mom and I are still struggling to put his crib together. Wanna' help?"

"Congratulations, David," Regina stated earnestly. "He's beautiful."

"Thank you, Regina," David smiled proudly. "C'mon Henry!"

As David, Emma and Henry busied themselves with the crib, Mary Margaret turned to Regina.

"A word, Regina?"

Regina stared at her quizzically.

"What? Now?"

"Having this baby reminded me of all the time I missed with Emma."

"Shit," Regina sighed as she sat down gently on the bed opposite Mary Margaret. "I thought we were over this."

"I so desperately want to see her happy. I owe her that." She took Regina's hand in her own. "_You_ make my daughter happy."

Regina actually blushed, as she was caught off guard.

"I didn't expect you to say that," she whispered.

"It's true. Emma told me she thought you were going to propose to her at the lake, before you were interrupted."

"Is _nothing_ private in this town?" Regina complained.

"What are your intentions towards my daughter?"

Regina looked up to the ceiling fan, then out the window.

"Regina?"

"It's hard for me, Mary Margaret," she paused as her eyes filled with tears, "to admit my feelings, you know?"

"I know. That's why what you did at the lake was so amazing."

"Listen," Regina looked her in the eyes, "I love Emma. She's everything."

"You want to be a family with her and Henry?"

"More than anything."

Mary Margaret bobbed her head like Beyoncé as she placed one finger in the air.

"_If you like it, then you betta' put a ring on it!"_ she smiled broadly.

Regina laughed out loud, before putting her hand to her mouth so as not to wake the baby. Emma, David and Henry looked up momentarily.

"Oh, I _do_ like it," Regina whispered.

"T.M.I.," Mary Margaret shook her head.

"I think I get the point," Regina tilted her head slightly.

"Do you? So, when do you think you'll get around to it?"

"Jeez, pressure much? You just had a baby, relax! I'll get back around to it! It was hard enough the first time."

"Regina?" Mary Margaret drew out her name.

"What?" she protested. "You and Henry seem to be assured that she'll say _yes,_ but I'm not convinced. She's been awfully pissed at me, lately. And you _know_ how stubborn your daughter can be!"

"You are _both_ too stubborn for your own good! I don't know how you'll ever get together if one of you doesn't budge!"

"I'm sorry, Snow," Regina looked at her affectionately. "I didn't mean to upset you on this happiest of days. I will do right by your first child, I promise."

"That's better," Mary Margaret yawned.

"Time for Mom to get some rest, I think," Regina brushed a strand of hair from Mary Margaret's face.

"Mm-hmm," her eyes drifted shut.

Regina walked over to the crib-building debacle.

"Henry can stay with me for awhile, while you guys get settled in," she offered.

"Whadda' you think, Kid?" Emma gave him a wink.

"I would like that," he smiled.

"Okay, then. It's settled!" Regina smiled back.

"We should be going. I have a lot of work to do for the barbeque the day after tomorrow," Regina stated. "David, you'll bring your wife and child on Saturday?"

"Of course," he nodded assent.

"Good!" Regina held out her hand to her son. "Henry?"

"Regina," Emma stood up. "Thanks for everything."

"No worries," Regina replied as she and Henry headed for the door.

"Regina," Emma called her name again.

"Yes?"

"Thanks for the apples."

/

Regina stood on a redwood deck with steps that led down to a sandy beach. She could hear waves crashing upon the shore and felt the cool of a sea breeze as she breathed in the ocean air. Palm trees swayed gently across a bay. A song played softly all around her. A woman's voice sang hauntingly: _I think it's strange you never knew… _The light was stunning! Clouds were illuminated by… _what_?

"You are my rising sun," Emma's voice came from behind her.

"Emma!" Regina was stunned. "You did this?"

"My version of a magic dream world," Emma shrugged. "What do you think?"

Regina slowly pirouetted to take in the view.

"Magnificent!" she paused.

"I wanted to impress you," Emma smiled shyly.

"You have! But how did you do this? A spell like this takes some expertise!"

"I may have had some help," she teased.

"Really? Who? I thought I was your teacher," Regina questioned.

"The Internet," Emma replied. "You can find anything online these days!"

"Apparently so," Regina wondered.

"You are my dream world," Emma took her into her arms and began to dance with her slowly.

"Oh God," Regina sighed as she laid her forehead against Emma's. She kissed her softly. "You _are_ magic."

"My moon and stars," Emma whispered into her ear as two stars appeared in the sky.

"So, is it night, or day?" Regina asked.

"_Are the stars out tonight?"_ Emma sang softly into her ear as a new song was wafted upon the breeze. _"I don't know if it's cloudy or bright. I only have eyes for you, dear."_

"You're singing to me?" Regina's voice was barely audible. "No one ever sings to me."

"Then I'm your first."

Emma twirled her around.

"So, do you like the outfit?"

Regina looked down and surveyed her attire: black leather jacket on top of a simple white dress. No shoes.

"It's perfect," she smiled. She gazed at Emma's outfit: a sleeveless white undershirt tucked into blue jeans. She was barefoot, as well.

"So, I'm still the girl, huh?"

"Maybe," Emma gave her a mysterious look.

"I can feel my hair's shorter," Regina said as they re-engaged in their slow dance.

"It's like when I first met you," Emma informed.

"Do you like it better this way?"

"I like your hair however you wear it," Emma kissed her. "I'm new at the dream world thing. I couldn't control hair. But, yeah, it's very attractive like this. Kinda' sporty and youthful."

"But, _how_ did you get me here?" Regina asked. "There had to be a powerful familiar."

"Aah!" Emma disengaged and retreated into the open room adjoining the deck. She came out fondling an apple in each hand. "Your apples!"

Regina smiled broadly.

"_That's_ why you wanted them!"

"I always want your apples, Babe," Emma gazed at her lovingly before taking her into her arms once again.

"_The moon may be high. But I can't see a thing in the sky."_ She sang. _"I only have eyes for you."_

Emma kissed her lips, took both hands into her own and got down on one knee.

"Oh my God, Emma!" Regina gasped.

"Regina Mills, I don't care who you fucked or who Tinkerbell says your true love is."

Regina was struck silent.

"I could not love you more. You take my breath away. Will you…"

"Oh God yes!" Regina pulled Emma up and jumped into her arms so that she straddled her. She kissed her passionately until they both fell to the ground laughing.

"You were going to say _marry me,_ right?" Regina flashed her a radiant smile.

"If you had let me finish, bee-atch!" Emma teased.

"What did you call me?" Regina pinned her to the deck.

"A bee-atch." Emma repeated.

"Well this bee-atch is fast! You want me? Try and catch me!"

Regina threw off her jacket and ran down the beach.

"You already said _yes,_" Emma called after her.

"Can't catch me!" Regina mocked.

"She cannot be serious," Emma shook her head as she jumped up to chase her.

Regina stood still as a statue until Emma was mere feet from her. Suddenly, she turned and ran down the wet, sandy beach. Try as she might, Emma could not catch her.

_Wow! She is fast!_

Emma tried a new tactic. She disappeared and reappeared directly in Regina's path. She caught her with both arms.

"Gotcha!"

"That's cheating," Regina protested.

"There are no rules here," Emma held her tight as she squirmed to get free.

"Two can play at that game," Regina kissed her and promptly disappeared, leaving Emma holding air.

"I'm over here!" Regina called from down the beach as she splashed her feet in the surf. "Play fair this time!"

She began to run again. Emma appeared in her path. Just as she was about to grab her, Regina disappeared, causing Emma to lose her balance and fall into the waves.

Regina stood with both hands on her hips as she peered at Emma.

"I've got mad skills!" she smirked. "Payback for the water spout at the river!"

"You already got me for that one!" Emma walked up to her from the surf.

"But, this was more fun!" Regina was still smiling.

Emma lurched at her, but she disappeared again.

"Right behind you," Regina startled her as she placed both hands on her rear.

"Right behind you!" Emma grabbed her.

Before Regina had time to react, Emma flipped them both into the water. They rolled around momentarily as a wave crashed down upon them, before settling on the edge of the shore. As the surf lapped at their bodies, they embraced and kissed.

"This _is_ fun," Emma smiled.

"So, is there a bed in that room off the deck?" Regina eyed her seductively.

"Why, whatever could you be thinking, Ms. Mills?" Emma feigned shock.

Regina's reply was a deep, passionate kiss.

"It's a futon, actually," Emma announced breathlessly.

"I don't care, so long as it's warm and you're in it," Regina stated, "naked."

"Okay, but no tricks!" Emma responded. "No more disappearing!"

"No. We'll walk back."

As they walked hand in hand into the small room, Emma cried out.

"Regina! I almost forgot!"

"Forgot what?" Regina was alarmed.

Emma put her hand in her back pocket and pulled out two engagement rings.

"Emma," Regina gasped. "They're beautiful! Wherever did you get them?"

"From Gold, actually."

"Gold?"

"He promised me they weren't cursed or enchanted or anything. Just two regular rings."

"They are anything but regular, Emma! Look at the diamonds. Exquisite! However did you afford them?"

"He gave them to me."

"Wait," Regina glanced at her quizzically. "He _gave_ them to you? Are we talking about the same Mr. Gold?"

"He said he was in my debt and that he didn't like being indebted to others."

"Now _that _sounds like Gold." Regina nodded.

Emma held one ring up before Regina's eyes.

"Let me finish this time," she admonished before exhaling deeply. "Regina Mills, will you marry me?"

"Yes," Regina gazed at her lovingly.

Emma slipped the ring on Regina's finger. Regina took the other ring from Emma's hand.

"Emma Swan, will _you_ marry _me_?"

"Yes," Emma watched in amazement as Regina slid the ring onto her finger.

"This is incredible. I didn't know I would feel this way," Emma stammered. "Seeing a ring on your finger and a ring on mine. It's beyond any words that I have."

"Then let's not speak," Regina took her into her arms and kissed her.

Emma unbuttoned Regina's dress. As it fell to the ground, Regina lifted Emma's shirt over her head. She unfastened her jeans and pulled down the zipper, but Emma struggled to get out of her pants.

"Damn," she complained. "They're a little tighter when they're wet."

Regina gave them a hard tug, pulling them off her hips. She eyed the golden place between her thighs hungrily. She yanked the jeans down to her ankles and pushed her onto the bed. As she did so, Emma's legs fell apart, revealing her full womanhood to Regina.

"Geezus, Emma," Regina breathed lustily as she slid her hand up and down Emma's slick folds.

"Regina, wait! I'm not out of my pants yet!"

"Too bad," Regina said as she ducked her head between her legs and began licking and probing with her tongue.

Emma's eyes fluttered shut. "Oh God."

As their bout of lovemaking subsided at long last, the two women gazed at their rings.

"You know who we have to thank for this?" Emma smiled.

"Your mother," Regina answered.

"Yeah," Emma gave her a quizzical look. "How'd you know?"

"She gave me a talking to. Let me know I better do right by you."

"She did the same to me," Emma laughed.

"She pulled Beyoncé out on me."

"No way! Mary Margaret?"

"Our little matchmaker!" Regina sighed.

"So why did you run away after I proposed to you?" Emma asked. "Not the kind of reaction a girl hopes for!"

"I felt suddenly light; like a child."

"So you wanted to play tag?"

"I wanted to run and feel the wind in my hair, the sand between my toes. One of the things I love most about you is that you help me to experience my joy. No one knows that part of me. I've not allowed it in myself, let alone with anyone else. But with you… it just comes."

"Nice to know I can help you channel your inner child."

"I thought this would never happen to me again: that I would find love like this. That someone would actually love me enough to _want_ to marry me. Sometimes, I still don't know what you see in me."

"You're intelligent, strong, powerful, magical and, yet, somehow vulnerable all at once. How could I not love you? Not to mention, you're gorgeous on top of it all. I'm the lucky one. I should be asking what you see in me."

"You make me happy."

They relaxed into each other's arms and lay silent for a long time. The only sound was that of the waves, with their melancholy roar, crashing lonely upon the shore.

"You make me feel happy, too… like I belong," Emma finally said. "I never belonged anywhere before."

"You're home now, Em."

They fell back into a silence only punctuated by the cadence of the waves.

"I have that feeling again, Regina."

"What feeling is that?"

"The magic all around us, tingling in the air. It's like I could reach out and touch it. Feeling like I want to stay here with you… forever."

"I know, I feel that, too," Regina drew her close and kissed her head. "When did you set the timer for?"

"The timer?"

"Yeah, when you enacted the spell that brought us here, you created a timer to bring us back."

"Um… no?"

"What?!" Regina was in a panic. "Emma, without a timer, everything's out of whack! We could've been here five minutes real time, or five years!"

"Oh," Emma pondered sheepishly. "I guess I better get us back then."

Suddenly, they were laying in Regina's bed in Storybrooke.

"How'd you do that?" Regina was amazed.

"I don't know," Emma shrugged. "I just thought us back, I guess."

"Your power can be dangerous, Emma. We need to harness it. Hone it. Please promise me you'll talk to me before you try anything like this again!"

"But that would've ruined the surprise."

"Emma?" Regina arched an eyebrow.

"Alright. I promise."

"Good." Regina jumped out of bed and grabbed a robe. She threw one to Emma.

"Let's check on Henry. I just hope he's not thirty and wondering where his Moms disappeared to all those years ago!"

"You're being a little dramatic, I think," Emma mumbled as she tied the robe around herself.

Just then, they heard a voice in the hallway outside the bedroom door.

"Mom?" Henry asked. "Is that you?"

"Yes, Henry," they both answered as Regina opened the door.

Regina sighed in relief as she noticed he appeared the same age. Emma rolled her eyes.

"I'm glad your back," Henry smiled.

"How long have we been gone?" Regina asked anxiously. "What day is it?"

"Um, Saturday?" Henry gave her an odd look. "What day did you think it was?"

"Emma," Regina turned to her, "you better call your parents. We've been gone a whole day. They'll be worried."

"Relax, Regina," Emma shook her head. "I left them a note telling them I was going to be with you for awhile trying to figure out how to un-curse the town. They probably think were at your vault, or something. Chill. We're back in reality for like two seconds and you're acting like a complete neurotic already."

"Yeah," Henry chimed in, "Mary Margaret asked if I wanted to come and stay with them. But I asked her if Ariel could watch me instead and she said it would be okay."

"Ariel?" Emma questioned. "_Ariel's_ been here with you? I'm not sure I like that!"

"Now who's being neurotic?" Regina chided. "She may be a dimwit mermaid, but she's harmless."

"She's a mermaid?!" Henry looked amazed. "That explains so much."

Regina glanced at the clock.

"Shit! It's half past nine. I've got the whole town showing up here in a few hours. I've got to shower, dress, check the preparations… "

"Go do your thing," Emma waved her off.

/

Regina managed to get everything prepared for the town invasion. She had set up booths for games in her massive backyard earlier in the week and they were now decked out with balloons and streamers. The band had set up on a temporary stage before a makeshift dance floor at the back of the yard. They began to play cheerfully. The BBQ pit was smoking, surrounded by tables with an assortment of food, drink and flowers on them. The weather had cooperated, as it was an unusually pleasant day for New England in the spring. She mingled among the townsfolk as they began to arrive.

Mulan and Aurora showed up wearing matching jeans and sweatshirts pushing the baby in a stroller.

"Good to see you two," Regina greeted them as she glanced down at the child.

"Your daughter is beautiful," she smiled. "I like the casual clothes, too. It's a good look for both of you!"

"A gift from Tinkerbell!" Aurora informed.

"Nice to see you out of uniform again, Mulan," Regina winked.

Mulan blushed furiously and then stared at the ground as Regina walked away.

"What was that all about?" Aurora questioned.

"I will explain later," Mulan sighed.

Granny arrived with Ruby in tow. She had cooked side dishes.

"Regina, where do you want this stuff?" she called out.

"The serving table is over here," Regina helped them set the food out. "Everything looks wonderful, Granny."

"Of course it does! You think you're the only one who can cook in this town?"

"Knock it off, Granny," Ruby elbowed her. "The place looks great, Regina,"

Belle and Gold passed by walking arm in arm.

"Gold," Regina nodded.

"Your majesty," he bowed.

"I guess I need to thank you for the gift you gave Emma."

"The rings or the help with the spell?"

"So you helped Emma with the dream world spell?"

"She came to Belle in the library for help. I merely referred her to the proper website: one few people know of. The rest, she did herself."

"Rumplestiltskin, reference librarian… who knew?" Regina smirked.

"She saved my sanity. It was the least I could do."

He looked at Regina's left hand.

"I see she put it to good use," he nodded.

"The spell or the rings?"

"Both, from the looks of it," he smiled slightly.

"You don't seem surprised," Regina pointed out.

"I'm not," Gold affirmed. "Unlike others in this town, I have long known of your liaison with Ms. Swan."

"What? How?"

"Surely, you know better than to ask me that," he raised his eyebrows cryptically.

"Where is Zelena?" Belle looked around nervously. "You don't have her locked in your basement with a view screen, do you?"

"She goes by Almira Gulch now and, no, she is not in my basement. We locked her up in the jail for the day, until we can figure out what to do with her."

"Good!" Belle declared vehemently.

"But she _does_ have a view screen," Regina added. "Turns out David records his soap operas at the station. He doesn't want Mary Margaret to know he watches them. She's catching up on _Days of Our Lives_ as we speak."

"Interesting," Gold pondered as they walked away.

Robin arrived trailed by his Merry Men. Little John had rejoined them. Regina made a beeline to them.

"I distinctly remember crossing you off the guest list," she said angrily.

"Nice ring," he admired.

"Yeah," Emma came up beside Regina and took her hand. "I gave it to her. I'll be keeping her heart from now on!"

"Ladies, we merely came to socialize with the townsfolk and to have fun. Surely we can all coexist peacefully!"

"It's your idea of fun that worries me," Regina shot back.

"Little John has rejoined us only today. It is cause for celebration! How can you deny us on such a joyous occasion?"

Mulan and Aurora joined them.

"They have promised me they will behave themselves," Mulan assured. "I have Robin's word on it."

"And you'll be responsible for them?" Emma questioned.

"I will."

"Just stay away from the punch bowls," Regina warned. "I've got my eye on you!"

"Indeed!" Robin flashed his most debonair smile.

"Hey! Watch it!" Emma warned. "And I don't want to see any arrows flying at Regina today either!"

"As you can see, I'm quiverless," he bowed.

"I don't know why you hang out with this guy, Mulan," Emma shook her head.

"Digging the clothes, by the way," she called back over her shoulder to Mulan and Aurora as she and Regina strolled away hand in hand.

"A gift from Tinkerbell," Mulan smiled back.

"Shit," Emma grimaced. "Is she going to be here, too?"

"Well, she _is_ a part of the town now," Regina looked at her softly. "I thought you were going to let this go?"

"Yeah," Emma couldn't resist Regina's tender gaze, "your right."

Just then, Henry ran up to them with Ariel in tow.

"Mom! The games are great!"

"I like the one with the apples in the water!" Ariel informed breathlessly.

"She bobbed for apples and got them all in like fifteen seconds!" Henry enthused.

"Where is Prince Eric?" Emma asked.

"We left him at the place where you throw the round object into the net with a hole in the bottom. I didn't like it there, Henry," Ariel shuddered. "Fishing nets scare me."

"Basketball? It's just a game, Ariel," Henry comforted. "There's a hole in the net. It's not for fishing. Besides, Eric is great at it!"

"Alright then," she brightened. "If you say so."

"Hey, wanna' do the water guns again?" he asked excitedly.

"Let's go!" she smiled as they ran off.

"You two kids have fun!" Regina called after them.

Dr. Whale strolled the grounds with a plate of food and a superior look upon his face. Regina and Emma nearly bumped into him.

"Really!" he huffed.

"It's a party Dr. Whale," Emma laughed, "take that stick out of your butt long enough to enjoy yourself."

"Speaking of butts," Regina didn't skip a beat, "there was a dead squirrel out here this morning. Maybe you'd like to shove a battery up its ass and see if you can reanimate it."

"Really!" Whale huffed again as he stuck a chicken wing in his mouth walked off.

"I don't even know why he came with an attitude like that," Emma complained.

"He's looking for that dead squirrel, I'm telling you," Regina shook her head.

Emma laughed again.

Regina finally took a moment to sit down when Mary Margaret, David and the baby arrived. Mary Margaret sat with the baby in an oversized rocking chair on the back porch.

"Everything looks great, Regina," she smiled. "Tasteful and hospitable. And, so far, everyone seems to be having a good time."

"What do you mean by _so far?_" Regina questioned.

"You just never know in this town," Mary Margaret shook her head.

Emma came bounding up the steps.

"Hey Mom," she kissed Mary Margaret on the cheek.

"I'm so happy you're calling me that again, honey!" Mary Margaret grinned sweetly.

"Alright. Just don't make a big deal out of it, okay?" Emma looked embarrassed.

"Hey little bro!" she called out softly as she squatted and put her finger in the baby's hand.

It was then that Mary Margaret noticed the ring.

"Emma!" she called out excitedly. "Give me your hand!"

She fingered the ring as her mouth dropped open in joy.

"Yeah, I put a ring on it," Regina admitted.

Emma took Regina's hand and displayed it in front of Mary Margaret's face.

"So did I," she smiled up at Regina.

"I'm so excited for you two," Mary Margaret exclaimed. "Look David! Our daughter's engaged!"

"I can see that," he stated dryly.

"David?" Mary Margaret lifted an eyebrow.

"If my daughter's happy, I'm happy," he hugged Emma.

"I've never been happier," she informed.

"Congratulations, Sweetheart."

He shook Regina's hand as he gave her a manly slap on the back.

"Welcome to the family, Regina."

She gave him a questioning look.

"Thanks, Dad," she replied in her best manly voice.

"Regina," Mary Margaret said, "I want you to know that I'm happy for you, too. So many bad things have happened to you in your life. You deserve your happy ending."

"I'm happy you're happy," Regina couldn't believe she had just uttered that.

Great, then," Emma affirmed, "we're all happy!"

Everyone was silent for a moment pondering their state of happiness.

"So, have you made any headway on removing the enchantment from the town," Mary Margaret finally spoke up, "or were you otherwise occupied?"

"Emma took me to an enchanted dream world. It was really quite impressive!" Regina offered.

"We didn't get around to town business," Emma added as she shot a glance at Regina and blushed.

"I see," Mary Margaret nodded. "You know, something just occurred to me."

"What's that Mom?"

"True love's kiss," she intoned.

"I'm not following," Emma shook her head.

"Emma, you're the savior. Regina, you're the queen who needed to be saved. True love's kiss!"

"Um," Emma shook her head. "Still not following."

"You need to kiss her!" Mary Margaret explained exasperated.

"I kissed her about a thousand times in our magic world," Emma informed. "I mean, we did a lot more than just kiss. We… "

"Okay," Mary Margaret cut her off, "I don't need details!"

"I'm just pointing out that if lovemaking was all it took to break the spell here, it would have been shattered by now," Emma continued.

"Emma!" Regina glared at her in disbelief.

"But," she changed her tone as she turned to Mary Margaret, "she does have a valid point."

Mary Margaret let out a deep breath.

"Have you kissed her here, in this world? Let me be crystal clear: since you two have realized your feelings for each other and declared them to each other have you shared a kiss in Storybrooke, in this town, in this reality? The queen and her savior… in Storybrooke."

Emma and Regina thought for a moment.

"Well, no… I guess not," Emma finally replied.

"True love's kiss," Mary Margaret made a karate chop move with her hand. "That's all I'm saying."

She relaxed back into the rocking chair with the baby as she shook her head and rolled her eyes.

Emma and Regina shrugged at each other.

"Worth a try I guess," Emma moved towards Regina.

She put her arms around her and pulled her close.

"Are you sure about this Emma? Everyone will see us," Regina whispered.

"I'm sure," Emma declared.

Their lips gently touched. As the kiss deepened, a wave emanated from them and spread over the entire town like a shockwave. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them. A sudden feeling of lightness filled their hearts. As Emma and Regina continued the kiss, the crowd began to clap and cheer.

"Is the curse is lifted?" Whale asked.

"It sure feels like it!" Archie grinned from ear to ear.

"How can we be sure?" Granny asked.

"Quick, someone go cross the town line and see if you turn into a flying monkey or lose your memory or something," Ruby called out.

"No need for that," Gold declared. "The curse is, indeed, lifted. True love's kiss has freed us all!"

"Works for me," Leroy grabbed another rib and downed a pint of beer as a loud cheer went up around him.

"Works for me, too," Belle said as she kissed Gold.

Aurora glanced at Mulan.

"That true love's kiss thing… you want to try it?"

Mulan closed her eyes as Aurora brushed her lips with the softest of kisses.

"That worked for me," Mulan could barely speak.

"For me, too," Aurora grabbed her and kissed her passionately. They pressed their foreheads together.

"I think it's time you moved in with me and the baby," Aurora whispered.

"It would be my greatest honor," Mulan smiled as she took her hand. "Maybe, we could even get a car!"

Hook appeared on the steps of the back porch.

"Glad you could make, Killian!" David walked down to shake his hand.

"I need to ask the ladies something," Hook gestured to Emma and Regina.

"Emma, Regina, come here!" David called out to them.

"What is it, Killian?" Emma queried.

"With all this talk of kisses, it reminded me. The witch put a spell on my lips, so that if I ever kissed you, you would lose all your magic."

"Don't be an idiot! There's no such spell," Regina scoffed dismissively.

"Yeah, and like you were ever going to get the chance of kissing me again," Emma chimed in as she held up her hand with the ring on her finger.

"But how can I be sure?" he asked.

Regina planted a kiss on him. She then waved her hand and produced a flower that she handed to him.

"See? Still got my magic!"

"No offense, Regina, and not that that wasn't pleasurable," he smiled at her lasciviously.

David smacked him on the arm.

"Hey! She's going to be my daughter-in-law!"

"The spell was meant for Emma," Hook continued as he rubbed his arm.

Regina shrugged.

"Kiss him, Emma."

Emma kissed Hook. She stepped back and produced a flower in the same manner as Regina.

"Nope. Still got my magic, too!" she said as she handed the flower to Hook.

"Let me try this," David said as he kissed Killian full on the lips. The caress lasted a little longer than David had intended.

"Um, Honey," Mary Margaret called to him. "You don't have any magic."

"Right," David snapped his fingers.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say that," Killian stammered still transfixed on David's lips.

He quickly pushed the flowers into David's hand and turned to walk away. He tripped down the steps and landed on all fours.

"I got him," Tinkerbell helped him up. "Too much to drink again as usual, eh Hook?"

Killian gazed back up at David standing straight and tall with his perfect hair, twinkling eyes and dazzling smile. A slight breeze lifted a lock of hair and then replaced it in the exact same position.

"Only the nectar of the Gods!" Hook stared at David in amazement.

"Hey," she said as she led him away, "I heard you keelhauled somebody the other day."

"A harmless bit of fun," he informed as he began to recover himself. "He's fine. Swabbing my decks as we speak! I'm thinking of making him my cabin boy."

The party lasted well into the night. As their guests began to leave, Regina and Emma swayed slowly on the dance floor. Ruby approached them.

"I'm really happy for you guys," she said. "I just wanted you to know."

"Thanks, Ruby."

They hugged her.

"So… threesome tonight?" Ruby batted her eyes.

"Um, maybe some other time, Ruby," Emma brushed Regina's cheek with her hand. "Tonight's a private affair."

"Can't blame a girl for trying," Ruby smiled. She surveyed the backyard. "This place is a mess."

"I know," Emma agreed. "We don't have to clean it up tonight, do we Regina?"

"Clean up? I was thinking we'd just burn it down," Regina answered.

"Worked last time," Ruby nodded as they all smiled. "I'll help you blow out the candles, all the same."

/

Emma and Regina finally made it upstairs to their bedroom.

"I'm so tired," Regina crashed onto the bed.

Emma eyed her and the bed with trepidation.

"What is it, Emma?"

"I feel nervous."

"About what?" Regina looked at her skeptically.

"About me and you making love in your bed here in Storybrooke."

"Why on earth would that make you nervous?" Regina was incredulous. "We've been here before, doing really nasty things in this bed. Oh, and by the way, it's _our_ bed now. This is _your _house. _Our_ son is asleep in _his_ bedroom. We're getting married, remember?"

"That's why it makes me nervous," Emma replied. "It's like it's real now, you know? What if it's not as good as in our dream worlds?"

"Get over here," Regina smiled at her as she patted the bed. She wrapped her in an embrace and kissed her.

"Everything's going to be just fine," she reassured as she began massaging her shoulders and neck. "You are my everything."

They made love like it was the first time, slowly building to a crescendo. Regina rolled over onto her back.

"So? How was it for you, Em?"

"You know," Emma smiled, "in a way, it was better than the dream world."

"_In a way?_" Regina questioned, as her eyes grew wide. "I was expecting _fucking brilliant!_ Especially considering how tired I am!"

Emma rolled over and held her.

"I _meant_ to say that it was better because it _was_ real," Emma explained. "We belong to each other now… in this world. That takes it to a depth, to a level, that's beyond magic."

"I feel that, too," Regina sighed. "The real world is not so bad… so long as you're in it."

"I love you, Regina."

"I love you, Emma."

And so they lived in a world of moral dilemmas, ethical compromises, the humdrum of the daily grind, monthly bill paying, credit card debt, topped off with the occasional existential crisis dotted with moments of pure contentment, searing joy and soaring ecstasy that we call reality… happily ever after!

_Until a Hellmouth opened up one day beneath Storybrooke!_

FINIS


End file.
